Private Parts
basketball player Charles "I'm-the-Nigga'-of-the-Nineties" Barkley. Charles is so awesome, he once called us up and told me that he had just shared a hot tub with Donald Trump and some hot babes. I said that after that the water must have looked like egg drop soup! And this was when the Donald was still married to Ivana. I remember the time he called to tell us that he had just gotten married.
    "So you're married now, what fun is that? Why'd you do that?" I opened.
    "I got a two-and-a-half-year-old daughter," Charles said.
    "Gary told me you married a hot white blonde. You got the prize,
    my man! She must go wild when you take your pants down. You're like an Adonis, big shoulders, strong muscles, tight ass," I said.
    "That's from working hard, Howard. One day you'll get a job and have to work hard."
    "Does your wife wear hot outfits when you go out? Miniskirts?"
    "She has to dress her role," he said.
    "How tall is she?"
    "How much does she weigh?"
    "One thirty."
    "What cup size, C or D?" I was relentless.
    "Probably a C. Jesus Christ, let me see."
    She was right there in bed with him! This was great. "What's she wearing?" I asked.
    "She sleeps nude?"
    "Totally nude."
    "And you can easily palm her breast? Like a basketball?"
    This was too much.
    "Let me talk to her," I begged.
    He put her on.
    "Hey, honey, how you doing?" I purred.
    "Fine, how are you?"
    "I'm damn good," I said in my best Barry White.
    "What are you calling her? Honey?" Robin butted in.
    "She's naked. Be quiet, Robin!" I got back on the phone. "You got yourself a good man, don't you?" I buttered her up.
    "Yeah, thank you."
    "What are you doing naked in that room? You know Charles is a wild animal. He'll jump on top of you. Is Charles an animal in bed?"
    "I guess he could be some kind of animal. Like an ant or a fly, something little."
    "Is it true, once you go black you never go back?"
    "I think so," she said.
    "Is Charles the best lover you ever had?"
    "He's the only one I ever had."
    This was too much.
    "You ever go to the gym and wear those aerobic tights with thong underpants?"
    "Oh, yeah. All the time."
    "Really!? Whew! Would you send me your sweaty shorts when you're done working out? I'd love to smell them. Let me tell you something, honey, I bet you if I got you alone, you'd mess around. I'd teach you a few things. I don't know how Charles is, but I do things that black guys won't do. I go the extra mile to please women."
    "That's not true with Charles," she said. "He's white in that respect."
    "Your parents give you any flak for being married to a black guy?"
    "They don't care. He makes three million a year."
    "You're set for life," I said.
    "You're right about that," she agreed.
    I got Charles back on the line.
    "Your wife'll walk right out the door if you don't protect your money, you know these white women," I said.
    "She ain't leaving with no money," Charles said.
    "Damn right. You get her to sign a prenup?"
    "No," he said.
    "What? Are you kidding me? How will you stop her?"
    "I'll have to call a couple of my boys to rough her up a little," he said. "That's the type of prenup you need."
    "It's a preknuckle agreement," I said.
    She got back on the line.
    "If I do leave him, he says he's gonna dish out the bucks big time," she laughed.
    "Smart woman. You sound like my wife," I said.
    It was sad to read recently that Charles and his wife were separated. From that conversation they seemed like a great couple.
    They didn't beat this idiot enough. He should be beaten every time he reaches for his car keys. Here you got a guy driving drunk going 100 mph leading the cops on a wild-goose chase. What if your kid was crossing the freeway then and got hit by him? I say beat him more. And beat your kid, too, because he's not supposed to cross a freeway!
    I would have run him over and then backed the squad car up and run him over again. Jerk! The fact that he lived after a

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