masters to return to the true path, then Iâm afraid it would certainly have been an ice-pick in the back of the skull.
ARCHIE : And then again, perhaps it was Dorothy. Or someone.
BONES : My advice to you is, number one, get her lawyer over hereââ
ARCHIE : That will not be necessary. I am Miss Mooreâs legal adviser.
BONES : Number two, completely off the record, get her off on expert evidenceânervous strain, appalling pressure, and one dayâsnap!âblackout, canât remember a thing. Put her in the box and youâre half-way there. The other half is, get something on Mad Jock McFee, and if you donât get a Scottish judge itâll be three years probation and the sympathy of the court.
ARCHIE : This is most civil of you, Inspector, but a court appearance would be most embarrassing to my client and patient; and three yearsâ probation is not an insignificant curtailment of a personâs liberty.
BONES : For Godâs sake, man, weâre talking about a murder charge.
ARCHIE : You are. What I had in mind is that McFee, suffering from nervous strain brought on by the appalling pressure of overworkâfor which I blame myself entirelyâleft here last night in a mood of deep depression, and wandered into the park, where he crawled into a large plastic bag and shot himselfâ¦
opens his mouth to speak
â¦ leaving this noteâ¦ ( ARCHIE
produces it from his pocket
.)â¦ which was found in the bag together with his body by some gymnasts on an early morning keep-fit run. (
opens his mouth to speak
Here is the coronerâs certificate.
produces another note, which
takes from him
BONES : Is this genuine?
): Of course itâs genuine. Iâm a coroner, not a forger.
hands the certificate back, and almost comes to attention
BONES : Sir Archibald Bouncerââ
ARCHIE : Jumper.
BONES : Sir Archibald Jumper, I mustââ
ARCHIE : Now, I judge from your curiously formal and some-what dated attitude, that you are deaf to offers of large sums of money for favours rendered.
BONES : I didnât hear that.
ARCHIE : Exactly. On the other hand, I think you are a man who feels that his worth has not been recognized. Other men have got onâyounger men, flashier menâ¦ Superintendantsâ¦ Commissionersâ¦.
BONES : There may be something in that.
ARCHIE : I dare say your ambitions do not stop with the Police
BONES : Oh?
ARCHIE : Inspector, my patronage is not extensive, but it is select.
I can offer prestige, the respect of your peers and almost unlimited credit among the local shopkeepersâin short, the Chair of Divinity is yours for the asking.
BONES : The Chair of Divinity?
ARCHIE : Not perhaps, the Chair which is in the eye of the hurricane nowadays, but a professorship will still be regarded as a distinction come the dayâearly next week, in all probabilityâwhen the Police Force will be thinned out to a ceremonial front for the peace-keeping activities of the Army.
BONES : I see. Well, until that happens, I should still like to knowâif McFee shot himself inside a plastic bag, where is the gun?
): Very good thinking indeed! On consideration I can give you the Chair of Logic, but that is my last offer.
BONES : This is a British murder enquiry and some degree ofjustice must be seen to be more or less done.
ARCHIE : I must say I find your attitude lacking in flexibility.
What makes you so sure that it
Miss Moore who shot McFee?
BONES : I have a nose for these things.
ARCHIE : With the best will in the world I canât give the Chair of
Logic to a man who relies on nasal intuition.
ARCHIE : Itâs all rightâjust exhibitionism: what we