Free The Nose from Jupiter by Richard Scrimger Page B

him, ever understood what was going on. Rumors spread like weeds, and somehow in less than a day the entire school – from little Marianne Macadam, who could walk into a locker without turning sideways, to Mr. Valentine, guidance counselor and noted fan of country music – expected to see Shania Twain onstage.
    The captain got off to a bad start. “Hi there, boys and girls,” he said.
    Don’t you hate it when they do that? There should be a handbook for guest speakers at assemblies. Never call boys and girls “boys and girls.” Don’t call us “kids” either. Don’t refer to status at all. The correct greeting at an assembly is, “Hi.” Unless you’re famous. Then you say, “Hi, I’m Shania Twain.”
    “I’m, uh, a captain,” he said, pointing to his uniform, “but I’ve never been on a boat.” He stopped again. The principal laughed – it was his sort of joke. The rest of us didn’t. The captain peered at his notes.
    “Now, boys and girls, I want to show you some really interesting pictures I took on my last trip.” Behind him, the curtains parted to reveal the big white viewing screen. Last month a public health nurse had shown us pictures of blackened and decaying lungs on that very screen.
    We sighed and settled back in our chairs. Disappointment was giving way to resignation. At least we knew where we were now. This was going to be another slide show…which, all things considered, was still better than environmental studies class.
    Victor was beside me. I guess he didn’t mind sitting near me in the dark. I whispered, “You know, your dad would have been better than this guy. He might have brought some free samples.”
    Then the spotlight went out and a big star map came on.
    Norbert woke up about halfway through the assembly. He takes afternoon naps – that’s the part of him that’s still only three years old. Sometimes a whole afternoon will pass without a squeak out of him. Anyway, it wasn’t until we were listening to Captain Sid tell us about constellations that I felt a familiar prickling in my nose.
    –
What’s going on?
Norbert whispered – not really a whisper, more a buzzing sound. Victor, and Miranda, who was sitting on the other side of me, were probably the only people besides me who heard it.
    –
You promised you’d wake me when the assembly started!
    “Sh,” I whispered.
    –
Hey!
I could feel my nostrils flaring. Norbert must have been really excited.
    –
That’s not Shania Twain,
he said, more audibly.
    Oh no. “Quiet, Norbert,” I whispered. I bent forward in my seat.
    “Are you all right?” Miranda asked. She and Victor exchanged looks behind my back.
    –
Is Shania Twain on later?
    “Yes,” I whispered. “Later.” Later tonight, on television. “Now be quiet and listen.”
    Everyone in the auditorium was half asleep by now. Even the principal, whose silhouette was visible in the wash of light between slides, had covered a couple of yawns. Captain Allinson, however great an astronaut and role model he was, was not a gripping public speaker.
    “The constellations represent a very small portion of the stars you can see at night. You see, constellations are all made of fixed stars. They don’t change from year to year or from century to century. Most stars are not fixed, though. They are, uh, how can I put it –”
    –
Broken?
Norbert interrupted in a loud voice.
    There was a titter from the audience, and Captain Allinson gave a wary smile. “In motion,” he said. The captain was using a light pointer to show us bits of the slide that he was talking about. “These stars,” he said as he moved the pointer over the center of the slide, “form the constellation which the ancient Greeks named after the great hunter, Orion. These three stars in a row here are supposed to represent his, uh, belt.”
    –
You’re wrong!
said Norbert, pretty loudly.
    Of course, he’s an experienced space traveler. The principal sat up. Everyone sat up.
    –
Look at it!