Free Good Omens by Terry Pratchett, Neil Gaiman Page B

do you see my battered old top hat? What a shocking bad hat, as you young'uns do say! And see, there's nothing in it. But bless my britches, who's this rum customer? Why, it's our furry friend, Harry the rabbit!"
    "It was in your pocket," pointed out Warlock. The other children nodded agreement. What did he think they were? Kids?
    Aziraphale remembered what Maskelyne had told him about dealing with hecklers. "Make a joke of it, you pudding.. heads.. and I do mean you, Mr. Fell" (the name Aziraphale had adopted at that time), "Make 'em laugh, and they'll forgive you anything!"
    "Ho, so you've rumbled my hat trick, " he chuckled. The children stared at him impassively.
    "You're rubbish," said Warlock. "I wanted cartoons anyway."
    "He's right, you know," agreed a small girl with a pony tail. "You are rubbish. And probably a faggot."
    Aziraphale stared desperately at Crowley. As far as he was concerned young Warlock was obviously infernally tainted, and the sooner the Black Dog turned up and they could get away from this place, the better.
    "Now, do any of you young'uns have such a thing as a thruppenny bit about your persons? No, young master? Then what's this I see behind your ear ... ?"
    "I got cartoons at my birthday," announced the little girl. "An I gotter transformer anna mylittleponyer anna decepticonattacker anna thundertank anna ..."
    Crowley groaned. Children's parties were obviously places where any angel with an ounce of common sense should fear to tread. Piping infant voices were raised in cynical merriment as Aziraphale dropped three linked metal rings.
    Crowley looked away, and his gaze fell on a table heaped high with presents. From a tall plastic structure two beady little eyes stared back at him.
    Crowley scrutinized them for a glint of red fire. You could never be certain when you were dealing with the bureaucrats of Hell. It was always possible that they had sent a gerbil instead of a dog.
    No, it was a perfectly normal gerbil. It appeared to be living in an exciting construction of cylinders, spheres, and treadmills, such as the Spanish Inquisition would have devised if they'd had access to a plastics molding press.
    He checked his watch. It had never occurred to Crowley to change its battery, which had rotted away three years previously, but it still kept perfect time. It was two minutes to three.
    Aziraphale was getting more and more flustered.
    "Do any of the company here assembled possess such a thing about their persons as a pocket handkerchief? No?" In Victorian days it had been unheard of for people not to carry handkerchiefs, and the trick, which involved magically producing a dove who was even now pecking irritably at Aziraphale's wrist, could not proceed without one. The angel tried to attract Crowley's attention, failed, and, in desperation, pointed to one of the security guards, who shifted uneasily.
    "You, my fine jack.. sauce. Come here. Now, if you inspect your breast pocket, I think you might find a fine silk handkerchief."
    "Nossir. 'Mafraidnotsir," said the guard, staring straight ahead.
    Aziraphale winked desperately. "No, go on, dear boy, take a look, please. "
    The guard reached a hand inside his inside pocket, looked surprised, and pulled out a handkerchief, duck.. egg.. blue silk, with lace edging. Aziraphale realized almost immediately that the lace had been a mistake, as it caught on the guard's holstered gun, and sent it spinning across the room to land heavily in a bowl of jelly.
    The children applauded spasmodically. "Hey, not bad!" said the pony.. tailed girl.
    Warlock had already run across the room, and grabbed the gun.
    "Hands up, dogbreaths!" he shouted gleefully.
    The security guards were in a quandary.
    Some of them fumbled for their own weapons; others started edging their way toward, or away from, the boy. The other children started complaining that they