Free Bloodsucking fiends: a love story by Christopher Moore Page A

blond neck, Jody thought. Then, in thinking it, in knowing that she could actually do it, she was no longer angry. I'm not "that horrible woman," she thought. I'm a vampire, and no amount of plastic surgery, or breeding, or money will ever make you my equal. I am a god.
    For the first time since the transformation Jody felt calm, comfortable in her own skin. She waited there in the dark until they fell asleep again, then she climbed out the window and replaced the screen. She stood on the window ledge and threw the expandable file on the roof, then leaped up, grabbed the gutter, and pulled herself onto the roof.
    At the back of the building she found a steel ladder that went all the way to the ground. The climb between the two buildings had been completely unnecessary.
    Okay, not a particularly smart god, but at least a god who has her original nose.

Chapter 11 – Lather, Rinse, Repent
    The Animals were humming the wedding march when Tommy walked in the store. Tommy was rattled from the cab ride from Telegraph Hill. Evidently the cabdriver, who had a nervous tic and the habit of screaming, "The fuckers!" at indeterminate intervals and for no particular reason, felt that if you weren't going to top a hill without all four wheels leaving the ground and land in a shower of sparks, you might as well not top it at all, and, in fact, should avoid it by taking a corner on two wheels and crushing your passengers against the doors. Tommy was sweat-soaked and a little nauseated.
    "Here comes the bride," Troy Lee said.
    "Fearless Leader," Simon said, "you look like you just left a three-toweler." Simon measured the success of any social event by the number of towels it took to clean up afterward. "Was a time in my life," Simon would say, "when I only owned one towel and I never had any fun."
    "You're not still pissed at me?" Tommy asked.
    "Hell, no," Simon said. "I had me a three-toweler myself tonight. Took two choir girls from Our Lady of Perpetual Guilt out in the truck and taught them the fine art of slurping tadpoles."
    "That's disgusting."
    "No, it ain't. I didn't kiss 'em afterward."
    Tommy shook his head. "Is the truck in?"
    "Only fourteen hundred cases," Drew said. "You'll have plenty of time to plan the wedding." He held out a stack of bride magazines to Tommy.
    "No, thanks," Tommy said.
    Drew chucked the magazines behind him and held out a can of whipped cream with his other hand. "Take the edge off?"
    "No, thanks. Can you guys stack the truck? I've got some stuff I want to do."
    "Sure enough," Simon said. "Let's go do it."
    The crew headed to the stockroom. Clint stayed behind.
    "Hey, Tommy," he said, his head down, looking embarrassed.
    "Yeah?"
    "A pallet of kosher food came in tonight. You know, getting ready for Hanukkah and everything. And it's supposed to be blessed by a rabbi."
    "Yeah. So?"
    "Well, I was wondering if I could say a few words over it. I mean, they're not washed in the Blood or anything, but Christ was Jewish. So…"
    "Knock yourself out, Clint."
    "Thanks," Clint said. Taken with the Spirit, he scurried off to the stockroom.
    Tommy went to the news racks by the registers and gathered up an armload of women's magazines. Then, glancing over his shoulder to make sure that none of the Animals was watching, he took them into the office, locked the door, then sat down at the desk and began his research.
    He was about to move in with a woman for the first time, and he didn't know a thing about women. Maybe Jody wasn't crazy. Maybe they were all that way and he was just ignorant. He flipped quickly through the tables of contents to get an overview of the female mind.
    There was a pattern here. Cellulite, PMS, and men who don't commit were the enemies. Delightfully light desserts, marriage, and multiple orgasms were the allies.
    Tommy felt like a spy, as if he should be microfilming the pages under a gooseneck lamp in some back room of a Bavarian castle stronghold, and any minute some woman in SS gear would