Free Ms. Beard Is Weird! by Dan Gutman Page B

happens.”
    â€œWhen does the show begin?” asked Neil the nude kid.
    â€œRight now, baby!” Ms. Beard said, clapping her hands together.
    Somebody gave her a big megaphone, and she shouted into it, “Quiet on the set! We’re shooting The Real Teachers of Ella Mentry School ! Lights! Camera! ACTION!”

3
Act Normal
    Mr. Klutz reminded us again to be on our best behavior. The morning bell rang, and we rushed up the steps and down the hall to our classroom. It was weird with those guys sticking cameras in our faces.
    â€œHow do I look?” Mr. Granite whispered to us as we walked down the hall. “I’m a little nervous. I’ve never been on TV before.”
    â€œYou look like a real TV star, Mr. Granite!” said Andrea.
    What a brownnoser.
    Finally, we got to class and took our seats. There were four cameras and cameramen and long sticks with microphones hanging all over the place. Ms. Beard sat on a chair in the back of the room. I guess she takes her chair with her everywhere, because it had her name on the back of it.
    â€œOkay, just pretend I’m not here,” Ms. Beard told Mr. Granite. “Act like it’s any other day at school. ACTION!”
    â€œUh . . . good morning, boys and girls,” said Mr. Granite. “Today we’re going to . . . uh . . . talk about . . . uh . . . the Civil War. Turn to page . . . uh . . . twenty-three in your books. . . .”
    We all turned to page twenty-three.
    â€œThe Civil War,” Mr. Granite continued, “um . . . uh . . . it wasn’t very . . . um . . . civil at all. Ha-ha. Just a little joke there. Ummmm, I mean . . . can I do that over again, Ms. Beard? I messed up.”
    Ms. Beard jumped up and put her arm around his shoulder.
    â€œGranite, baby, you just gotta relax ,” she said. “Just be yourself. Act normal. Okay? Let’s try it again.”
    Ms. Beard went back to her chair and yelled “ACTION!” again.

    â€œThe Civil War,” said Mr. Granite, “. . . uh . . . ummm, it reminds me of a story my grandmother told me. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.”
    Mr. Granite started telling a story about his grandmother. It went on forever. I thought I was gonna die. It’s hard to sit still without fidgeting. But I kept my feet on the floor and my hands folded on my desk. I didn’t want Mr. Granite to call on me, so I made sure not to look at him. That’s the first rule of being a kid.
    â€œBlah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah . . . ,” droned Mr. Granite.
    Suddenly, Andrea raised her hand.
    â€œYes, Andrea?”
    â€œIs it true that the Civil War started in 1861 when eleven Southern states decided to leave the United States and form their own country called the Confederate States of America?”
    Ugh. I hate her.
    â€œThat’s absolutely right!” said Mr. Granite, beaming at Andrea. “I can see you’ve been studying.”
    â€œI always try my hardest,” Andrea said. Then she made a big smile right into the camera.

    Why can’t a truckload of cameras fall on her head?
    â€œBeautiful! Cut!” said Ms. Beard. “Okay, guys. Let’s move to the next class.”
    The cameramen started picking up their equipment.
    â€œWhen will we be on TV?” asked Andrea.
    â€œTonight, baby,” Ms. Beard replied.
    â€œEEEEEEEEEEK! We’re gonna be on TV tonight !”
    Everybody was freaking out.

4
Reality Is Boring
    My parents let me stay up late on Monday to watch The Real Teachers of Ella Mentry School . It was cool to see us all on TV, even if I had to look at Andrea’s big face hogging the screen the whole time.
    The first thing that happened on Tuesday morning was that Ms. Beard rushed into school