Free Naamah's Curse by Jacqueline Carey Page A

were good days and bad days. On good days, I thought mayhap it was for the best that I had this time to reflect. As harsh as they were, the frozen Tatar grasslands had a sweeping majesty to them. Although I felt guilty whenever I wasn’t aiding Checheg in the
ger
, I liked being outdoors, liked the impossibly vast blue sky arching above me.
    I liked doing simple tasks like fetching water from the nearby river, or even gathering cow-dung to dry. I liked to practice the Five Styles of Breathing in the achingly cold air. While I still missed trees, I liked the elemental rhythm of Tatar life.
    On the bad days…
    On the bad days, I questioned myself. If I had not tarried in the Celestial City in Shuntian an extra week, dallying with the princess, mayhap I would have beaten the weather and gained Bao’s side before winter’s onset, so we might use these long nights to resolve matters between us.
    That had been my doing, all my doing.
    Snow Tiger had asked me to invoke Naamah’s blessing on her behalf, and I had done it gladly. She had not asked me to tarry.
I
was the one who had badgered her to let me stay, at least for a week’s time. She had agreed to it without much persuasion needed. And I did not want to regret it, for it had been a time of profound grace.
    I would have stayed longer had she let me. I would have spent the winter in Shuntian with her.
    The Emperor’s daughter’s face swam in my memory, her dark eyes grave.
It is too easy to accept the comfort you offer, Moirin. I have duties that lie elsewhere. You have a destiny to follow
.
    She was right, of course. But it didn’t stop me from resenting my everlasting destiny on the bad days. It seemed unfair that it constantly drove me away from people for whom I cared deeply, and doubly unfair that the one person to whom my destiny
was
inextricably linked was bound and determined to evade me.
    I wondered what Bao was feeling.
    Bit by bit, I learned more about his circumstances. I learned that General Arslan was high in the Great Khan’s favor. Batu confirmed that he would have been the one to lead a raid on Tonghe village twenty-some years ago.
    “Very good warrior,” he said slowly to me. “Strong man.”
    “Why?” I asked. “Why fight and kill?”
    Batu frowned and shook his head, deciding it was too complicated a matter to explain to me with my limited Tatar language. He beckoned Grandmother Yue over and spoke to her at length.
    “Ah, child!” she said when he finished. “It’s the way of the world, that’s all. The Ch’in raided Tatar camps, too. When the men were away, they kidnapped women and children and enslaved them, put them to work building the wall.”
    I took a sharp breath. “Put them to work building the very wall meant to keep them out? That’s a piece of bitter irony.”
    She nodded. “I told you, it’s the way of the world. Arslan lost his young wife. He was only taking vengeance.”
    “By raping an innocent woman?” I asked in outrage.
    “I did not say I agreed with it,” Grandmother Yue said in a gentle tone. “I said it was the way of the world, Moirin. It is in the nature of mankind.”
    I thought about her words when I breathed the Five Styles and meditated, doing my best to be mindful of Master Lo’s teaching and let one thought give rise to another. It was hard, and I thought mayhap there were things in the world I didn’t
want
to understand. In my travels, I had learned that the followers of the Path of Dharma believed that to live was to suffer. I was not willing to accept their wisdom as truth, but I could understand why many did.
    Master Lo had allowed the possibility that mayhap I had my own path of enlightenment to follow, the Path of Desire.
    These days, it seemed a very distant possibility.
    Oh, I could have taken a lover if I had wished it. After the initial shock of my appearance, almost everyone at Batu’s camp treated me with genuine warmth. I had a way with animals, and that endeared me to their keepers.