Free Knee Deep by Jolene Perry Page B

take another bite of stir-fry. The TV’s showing footage over the Yangtze River right now, and it all looks so brutal and amazing.
    “How’s school going?” I hear him take another bite.
    “If you want to ask me something, Dad, just ask. You know how I hate the lead-up.” I push out a sigh, so he knows how annoying it is.
    He mimics my sigh with a smile.
    “ You’re the shrink.” And I hate dancing around whatever he actually wants to talk about.
    “Therapist.” He sets down his fork. “I was just wondering how Shawn’s parents are doing.”
    “What do you mean?” Only I know what he’s asking, and I suddenly feel naked. Will he know if I lie or play down the circumstances?
    Dad shrugs. “I don’t know. I haven’t seen his dad in a while, and his mom seems extra jumpy. We haven’t all gotten together for dinner in a long time.”
    “Ask Mom.” I turn back to the TV, but Dad’s still looking at me and I know him well enough to know he’s waiting for me to return his gaze. I’m too afraid he’ll see through me, he’ll know about the angry guy a few houses down, know his son’s struggle with me; he‘ll figure out that Shawn grabbed me, even though he didn’t mean to.
    “I have.” His words come out slow, and I know he’s watching me for some sign.
    “Shawn hasn’t said anything. I know he and his dad have been working long hours and…” And I promised I wouldn’t say anything.
    “Just curious, that’s all.” Dad leans back in his chair and takes another bite of dinner. His eyes are back on the program.
    Guess that’s it. Only Dad wouldn’t have asked if he wasn’t thinking about something. I’m going to have to be careful about how I act around Dad. Well, and around Shawn, too. Oh, right. And after play practice, I might need to be careful around Luke. And Mindy doesn’t know anything about Shawn’s outburst either, so I need to keep quiet around her as well.
    Maybe I should just go into hiding for a while.
    ***
    WHEN I WAS FIFTEEN…
    … my brother, Ben, who irritated me to death, left for college. The house felt so empty. Dad always worked long hours, still does. Mom had just sold her first book and was obsessively at her computer day and night. It all just felt too still.
    I called Shawn. We didn’t talk often, but we talked sometimes. His phone rang and rang and I sat on my end looking forward to the smooth sound of his voice, even if I just got his voicemail. A girl answered, giggling hysterically, and I could hear him in the background laughing. “Seriously! Give it me to me! Hand me the phone!
    “ Hello?” he answered out of breath.
    I sat silent on the other end. We’d never talked about seeing other people. We wrote, we talked, and I just assumed. I took dates to dances and went out with groups, but I didn’t have boys over in that way. Ever. Just Luke for our movie days.
    “ Hello?” he asked again.
    “ It’s me.” My heart thudded loud in my ears. What was I supposed to say?
    “ Hey.” His voice had the same excited quality it always had.
    “ I called to—”
    But I heard a rustle on his end, “ouch,” and then the phone dropped. “Stop! That’s the girl I’m in love with!” But he laughed so hard that I wouldn’t have believed him if I’d been sitting in the room with him. The line went dead and I nearly threw up on my comforter. My stomach folded into itself and I felt empty until he called the next day to apologize. It was a half-apology because we hadn’t talked about dating other people. And because we hadn’t talked, he was right. He really hadn’t done anything wrong.
    ***
    I barely recognize Shawn’s face set in a scowl that hangs somewhere in between irritation and anger. My stomach drops. What could have happened? Everything’s been so good.
    “I just need a few minutes, Ronnie.” Shawn’s fingers tighten on mine as he leads me through the student parking lot to his mom’s car.
    “I’m coming.” I try to keep my voice light,