Free The Further Adventures of an Idiot Abroad by Karl Pilkington Page B

a zero gravity flight that
would be taking place the next day at 7 a.m. This is a flight where you experience floating around like you would in space. The instructor explained that the plane doesn’t actually go into
space but instead gets to a height that allows them to basically plummet down to earth, giving the impression of floating when in fact you’re falling.

    He said we must eat breakfast but to avoid coffee from now until after the flight and that if we felt sick it is best to be sick in the bags that would be provided. He went on to say that there
would be parachutes on board for everyone in case they were required.
    A video then played, showing a group of cosmonauts floating around. Then it started getting silly. They showed lit matches floating around and men spraying cream from cans and eating it. No
wonder they get sick.

    Then there was David Coulthard, the Formula 1 driver, floating about with his car onboard, which was also floating. What was going on?! Was all this pissing about really part of the space
programme? I’ve always doubted the seriousness of it all after I heard about an astronaut who hit a golfball 2,400 feet when he was on the moon. No wonder they always put a flag up when they
land, they’re playing bloody pitch ’n’ putt up there!
    When I was on holiday years ago in Florida we paid to go on a NASA tour which involved us going to a spectator platform. We could just about see the shuttle in the
     distance. It didn’t take off though, it was going to be another two weeks before it got off the ground. ‘What’s the point in us being here then?’ I asked. It’s
     like going to the Thames a few days before New Year’s Eve to see where the fireworks will be going off.
    I stayed the night in one of the blocks of flats that were built for the cosmonauts to live in before and after their trips into space to work on the space station. They were nothing fancy,
similar to the sort of room you get in a Travelodge. I was sat in the communal kitchen eating some biscuits when I met Sergei. He had just got back from being in space. He had been away for a few
months and was glad to be back. I asked him what it was like to see earth from up there, but he said they were all too busy to be looking out of windows. To him it was just a job. I asked him what
the worst thing about his work was, and he said the taste of bread. He said bread in space doesn’t taste as nice as it does on earth. Not exactly the speech I was expecting. It doesn’t
have quite as much clout as Neil Armstrong’s, but I guess everyone’s different.
    Sergei noticed my biscuits, so he offered me some of his space food. I was surprised to see that half of it was in tin cans – and not the modern sort where you get a ring pull, which means
before lift-off it must have been someone’s job to check they had a tin opener. The tinned food didn’t look very appetising. They were very plain cans that reminded me of when I worked
in Cordon Bleu supermarket and we used to sell cans of things cheap that didn’t have any labels. It was a bit of a gamble at ten pence per can. It could have been beans, soup, stewed meat or
dog food.
    He went off to his room and came back with a cosmonaut nappy for me as a souvenir. His English wasn’t great, but I think he said it’s what they wear during the trip to the space
station. I took it, as I thought it might come in handy on the train seeing as the toilets are constantly locked.
    The next day I didn’t feel too good. I was really tired and had a sore throat. I had to have my health check before getting on board the zero gravity flight. The doctor asked if I had any
problems. I told her I got headaches and have had kidney stones, a bad back, sinus problems, a bit of eczema and have quite flat feet. After checking my throat and ears she said I was not well and
that my glands were swollen, and that it wouldn’t be good to go flying as I could damage my hearing. Now, if I’m