Free Touching Earth Lightly by Margo Lanagan Page B

outburst feelings. Pete listened, cheek in hand, as if to a fairy story. Dane was back in the kitchen, quietly stacking the dishwasher.
    ‘Chloe’s the luckiest person in the world, having you,’ said Janey to Joy.
    ‘We-ell. You can have a few leftover bits she’s not using,’ she answered. ‘Can’t she, Clo?’
    Chloe patted Janey, waiting for her to laugh, or at least smile. Instead she sighed. ‘You can’t keep on looking after me, can you?’
    ‘What do you mean!’ said Chloe staunchly.
    Janey ignored her, searched Joy’s face. ‘Every time it’s the same, like you say. I get a photo and everything falls apart, and you guys put it all back together again for me. I can’t work out a way of doing that for myself. Why can’t I?’
    ‘Maybe there isn’t a way, yet.’
    ‘But what if there isn’t ever?’ Chloe felt fright run down Janey’s back. ‘What if I can
never
? And Cole minding me when I go off the deep end—what, is she going to do that for the rest of her
life
?’ Her voice went deep with holding back sobs, ‘I don’t think so.’
    Chloe felt excluded, talked about as if she wasn’t there. This was some kind of knot between her mother and Janey; something bigger and more complicated than the simple promise Chloe had made, back when the pattern of Janey’s hormones was first making itself obvious. Had it been silly, childish, to offer her help? Was it something she and Janey ought to grow out of? Ought Janey to be trying to cast her off? This seemed to be what, or part of what, Janey and Joy were wrestling about. Chloe stood to one side, wondering who made all these rules, and how Janey and Joy knew about them.
    Joy was in front of Janey, her arms out as if she were herding Janey’s tears back inside. ‘I can’t speak for Chloe, Janey, but you know you’re always welcome here; we know you, we love you, and most of the time we can help you.’
    ‘Oh, how
can
you,’ growled Janey. Her face was deep red and almost unrecognisable so twisted. ‘How can you know, and still … and still …’
    ‘Go on, finish it, Janey,’ said Joy, laughing gently.
    ‘And still …
love
.’ Janey ground out the word on a congested breath. And with it something snapped in her, and she went forward into Joy’s arms like a child crying who hadbroken some vital bone and couldn’t understand why the pain wouldn’t stop.
    Janey had to huddle to be hugged by Joy, and Joy had to stand tall and reach up around her. Joy looked like a fine, finished person fitted around something shaggy and unmade. ‘It’ll be all right,’ she said, in a voice that was utterly convincing; Chloe felt her own fears melt and a stronger part of herself stand taller. If only she were always as sure as that herself, so that Janey only needed to lean on her, not the whole family. She had the feeling she was failing everyone, to some degree.
    Pete flitted past into the kitchen. Chloe saw his and Dane’s hands collide, both reaching for the electric jug. Dane smiled and reached instead for the tin of drinking chocolate and the mugs. Chloe touched Janey’s ropy head once, then went to the kitchen to put biscuits on a plate.

    On her way up to bed, Chloe met Nick at his door.
    ‘Janey gone?’ he muttered.
    ‘Yeah.’ Chloe went past him.
    ‘What was it all about?’
    ‘Eddie.’
    ‘Right. I didn’t want to come down and—’
    ‘Yeah, we could practically
hear
you not wanting to come down,’ Chloe said, pausing at her door.
    ‘Well, I wouldn’t have been any use to her. I don’t know about all that stuff.’
    Chloe stared up at him. ‘What
stuff
?’
    ‘You know, people …
crying
… having
kids
.’ Chloe gave an exaggerated blink. ‘What? What you looking at me like that for?’ An embarrassed smile curved Nick’s lips downwards.
    ‘Oh, like
I
know—like Pete—knows such a
bundle
!’ Her voice cracked and tears were suddenly in her eyes again. In disgust at him, at herself, she went into her room.
    ‘Well,