house because this one is so small it is absolutely driving me nuts! Iâm sick of having to live in such cramped quarters. Plus, I think the neighborhood is going downhillâ¦.â
Stop Making Demands
Many wives make demands, which cause terrible resentment. Saying, âYou should buy me that necklace in the window at Tiffanyâsâ is a demand. Any sentence that starts with âYou should â¦â, âWhy donât you?â or âI want you to â¦â is automatically a demand because itâs a request expressed with a sense of control.
When you demand something of your husband, youâre still controlling him, still acting like his mother, and he will still resist being told what to do. Making a demand tends to raise his ire and actually push him away from getting you what you want.
Before you tell him what it is you want, think about it carefully and make sure that you are specific about the end result you have in mind. Expressing what you want is about letting your husbandknow what it is that you need and like, which is completely reasonable.
You are imparting information about yourselfânot activating your control clutches. Thereâs also no need to make requestsâwhich can be perceived as demandsâbecause your husband will want to give you what he knows you want.
In the movie
Phenomenon
, John Travoltaâs character visits a woman who lives on the outskirts of town, and gives her two kids a ride home along the way. When he gets there, she asks him what a man who drops in and brings her kids home is expectingâto be served dinner? Travolta responds by saying, âNot expecting, just hoping.â
She served him dinner.
As you express your desires, be sure that you are not expecting, just hoping. As long as you do that, you are free to want absolutely everything in the world! Most women do. Donât be afraid to express your pure desire for something you want but fear your husband canât afford. Youâre not making a demandâbut you are giving him the opportunity to surprise and please you.
Stop Asking for Permission or Agreement
Sometimes itâs tempting to soften your desires by asking your husband for something instead of just saying you want it. This may sound odd, but I notice women express themselves in questions all the time. I did it not long ago when a friend was over. The windows were open in the living room, and as I jumped up to close them, instead of saying, âIâm coldâ I said, âArenât you cold? Iâm going to close these.â As it turns out she wasnât cold. She also didnât mind my closing the windows, but it had nothing to do with her desires. I was the one who wanted to warm up, but I tried to win her agreement to make myself feel less selfish.
One woman was disappointed when her husband refused her after she asked, âCan we take the kids for pizza tonight?â Again, shedidnât come out and state her desire. She probably felt like she did, but instead, she asked him for something, as if he were Santa Claus, or her dad. Since he said, âNo, not tonight,â he was the bad guy.
By contrast, if this woman had said, âI want to go out for pizza with the kids tonight,â as a statement, she would not have put any demands on him, but she would have given him the opportunity to make her happy.
Take ownership of your own desires by making a statement (as opposed to asking a question) that starts with âI wantâ or âI donât want.â
Stop Projecting Your Desires
Sometimes we try to project our desires onto our husbands so that we donât seem to want so much. Have you ever said something like, âDonât you want to see the Grand Canyon this summer?â or âDonât you think it would be great to have a swimming pool?â I have. Then, when my husband says he doesnât feel strongly about seeing the Grand Canyon or