Free The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle Page B

house because this one is so small it is absolutely driving me nuts! I’m sick of having to live in such cramped quarters. Plus, I think the neighborhood is going downhill….”
    Stop Making Demands
    Many wives make demands, which cause terrible resentment. Saying, “You should buy me that necklace in the window at Tiffany’s” is a demand. Any sentence that starts with “You should …”, “Why don’t you?” or “I want you to …” is automatically a demand because it’s a request expressed with a sense of control.
    When you demand something of your husband, you’re still controlling him, still acting like his mother, and he will still resist being told what to do. Making a demand tends to raise his ire and actually push him away from getting you what you want.
    Before you tell him what it is you want, think about it carefully and make sure that you are specific about the end result you have in mind. Expressing what you want is about letting your husbandknow what it is that you need and like, which is completely reasonable.
    You are imparting information about yourself—not activating your control clutches. There’s also no need to make requests—which can be perceived as demands—because your husband will want to give you what he knows you want.
    In the movie
Phenomenon
, John Travolta’s character visits a woman who lives on the outskirts of town, and gives her two kids a ride home along the way. When he gets there, she asks him what a man who drops in and brings her kids home is expecting—to be served dinner? Travolta responds by saying, “Not expecting, just hoping.”
    She served him dinner.
    As you express your desires, be sure that you are not expecting, just hoping. As long as you do that, you are free to want absolutely everything in the world! Most women do. Don’t be afraid to express your pure desire for something you want but fear your husband can’t afford. You’re not making a demand—but you are giving him the opportunity to surprise and please you.
    Stop Asking for Permission or Agreement
    Sometimes it’s tempting to soften your desires by asking your husband for something instead of just saying you want it. This may sound odd, but I notice women express themselves in questions all the time. I did it not long ago when a friend was over. The windows were open in the living room, and as I jumped up to close them, instead of saying, “I’m cold” I said, “Aren’t you cold? I’m going to close these.” As it turns out she wasn’t cold. She also didn’t mind my closing the windows, but it had nothing to do with her desires. I was the one who wanted to warm up, but I tried to win her agreement to make myself feel less selfish.
    One woman was disappointed when her husband refused her after she asked, “Can we take the kids for pizza tonight?” Again, shedidn’t come out and state her desire. She probably felt like she did, but instead, she asked him for something, as if he were Santa Claus, or her dad. Since he said, “No, not tonight,” he was the bad guy.
    By contrast, if this woman had said, “I want to go out for pizza with the kids tonight,” as a statement, she would not have put any demands on him, but she would have given him the opportunity to make her happy.
    Take ownership of your own desires by making a statement (as opposed to asking a question) that starts with “I want” or “I don’t want.”
    Stop Projecting Your Desires
    Sometimes we try to project our desires onto our husbands so that we don’t seem to want so much. Have you ever said something like, “Don’t you want to see the Grand Canyon this summer?” or “Don’t you think it would be great to have a swimming pool?” I have. Then, when my husband says he doesn’t feel strongly about seeing the Grand Canyon or