Free This Is How by Augusten Burroughs Page B

emotion. It’s not organic, like joy. It was dumped there by somebody else.
    A manipulation.
    Shame is very heavy, dense disappointment ; somebody else’s, in you.
    Inside of disappointment is a deeper judgment: Less than. Inferior. Defective.
    See what I was saying before? Shame can lead to a shitload of problems.

II
     
    Initially, shame is the method adults use to edit children. Shame is a foot that grinds glee into the dirt. It’s very effective to say to a child who has just scribbled with crayons all over the wallpaper, “Boys your age don’t do things like that, how terrible.”
    Shame is more coyly deployed by adults in the attempt to modify the thinking or behavior of other adults.
     
    . . .

    THE WORD “WHATEVER,” WHEN accompanied by an eye roll, is what shame looks like when you take away its unstylish acid-wash jeans.
    What ever may be just one word but it shoulders two different meanings that work together to shame someone.
    It is a dismissal.
    And the eye roll, whether literal or just implied, is a statement of superiority.
    But it’s a clever, effective statement of superiority because it doesn’t come right out and state the position. Rather, the person on the other end of what ever concludes it.
    If you consider this carefully and honestly, you will notice that if somebody says this word to you, in this way, it makes you feel like a nag, long-winded, tiresome, old, clueless, part of the out group.
    Shame is the very height of fashion.
    We shame each other at every turn.
    And we don’t even need a single word to do it.
    Fixing a small, straight smile on your face while looking sideways in front of one person and the knowledge that at least a third person sees you do this is shame. You know the expression I’m talking about, right? If you had to add words to it, they would be “Ohmygod, ohmygod, who is this person?”
    What this says is, “You are inferior to me. And the person here with us? They know it, too. We both know it. You’re the only one who doesn’t know it.”
    Shame exists because remote controls for people don’t. Shame pushes the button and makes the other person change their channel.
    Shame is also a covert and effective bullying method. All those bullies from the seventh grade didn’t simply evaporate. They grew up, too, and it’s pretty safe to assume that the majority did not seek therapy on their eighteenth birthday to explore their disturbing childhood need for cruelty.
    You can’t, of course, as an adult make fun of somebody every day at work and expect to keep your job.
    So bullies use shame because shame comes in so many different varieties.
    How satisfying it must be for the modern bully to locate his target at the office and make remarks like, “Jason, dude, how’s it going? Hey man, I’m heading over to the gym at lunch. You know, anytime you want, I would be totally happy to have you come along and I can show you some things you can do, you know, stomach things—make that big boy sit back down flat. Or, a lot of guys, you know, big guys, they get kind of busty. And there’s some simple stuff you can do. I would sincerely be very happy to help you out, if you want. I’m just saying.”
    The shame is disguised here as helpful. But both people in this conversation would know it was bullying.
    You can train your eye to identify shame by looking for statements or actions that imply a caste system—“It figures you would like that movie,” or disgust—“O kay , I think I’ve heard enough about your weekend for one morning.”
    As hard as it is sometimes to recognize shaming language and actions when it’s all around you, it’s just as hard to know when shame has landed on you.
    And that shit builds up.
    Because we’ve been conditioned to accept it since we were kids.
    And it happens automatically and fast.

III
     
    Shame also lives inside your head. It’s the unnamed voice that says to you:
    “God, you are such a slob.”
    “Look at that fat