Free Love is Darkness (A Valerie Dearborn Novel) by Caroline Hanson Page B

because it doesn't change anything. All it will do is tear us apart.”
     
    “We are already apart. How can this make it worse? What if something happens Jack, and one of us dies? I want to know what it's like. I want you and I always have.” She tried to step in close to him again but he gripped her wrists, a light squeeze that stopped her cold.
     
    “Do you know what I have in my life? You. You and your father. Everything I do is for you and my parents. You are so conflicted and desperate to run from me and this life.... I don't blame you. But I can't do this every day and have you as my weakness. You hate this life and eventually you would hate me too.” There was a pause before he spoke on a sigh. “You’d destroy me.”
     
    She shook her head in denial, tears sliding down her face.
     
    Leaning down, he kissed her on the lips. Quickly. He wiped away her tears with his thumb, his hands on either side of her face. “I know the life you want and I can't give you that. And maybe it makes me an asshole, but I don't want to taste what I can't have.” He took in a breath but didn’t release her. “I had a perfect childhood Val and they —   it was ripped away.” His voice trembled with grief, making her cry harder.
     
    She clung to his hands, trying to keep some link with him for as long as she could.
     
    “I see the life you have, what you have made for yourself and I want that for you. I am trying to be a good enough man to want that for you...so don't torture me with this. I'm not the white picket fence guy. I like you happy, carefree. You're my bright spot, the light in my life.” he paused, “And yeah, I read it in a Hallmark card but it's still true.”
     
    Val choked on a desperate laugh. With all her heart, she wanted to deny his words. “This isn't funny.” There was nothing else to say, she couldn't believe it. I always have something to say!
     
    He let her go and she felt numb, like she'd survived the apocalypse.
     
    Each step felt uncoordinated, one foot in front of the other but nothing to do with her. The stairs were hard: heavy and slow. A part of her didn't expect to make it to the top, as though her grief would bring her crashing down.
     
    Wouldn’t he change his mind? She'd feel his arm stop her, pull her back and things would work somehow. The fairytale come true. It wasn't even a fairytale she wanted, dammit! She wanted normalcy. A hot boyfriend who loved her, was that an exceptional wish?
     
    But he didn't stop her.
     
    *******
     
    The next morning she felt like a husk. And she was the proud owner of the hangover from hell. No returns allowed.
     
    Jack drove her to Berkeley. It took two hours from San Loaran . Neither of them spoke and Val looked out the window. The view changed from dry, flat land to rolling hills and then it was gone, covered in concrete and civilization. What would she do amongst all these people? How would she function without Jack and the friends she had known?
     
    He took her to her dorm in brittle silence. Then, dropping her bags off with a heavy thunk he disappeared for a while. Examining everything, she knew. Her father had already been here and done that, but Jack would do it again.
     
    He came back. Jack knelt before her and she turned her head away from him. She didn't want to see his beautiful face. She could feel the sadness like a weight in him but he was the one turning away from her. She would have tried, would have thrown herself into anything with him if he'd asked, screw the consequences. They'd deal with it when they had to.
     
    But that was what made them different. She let her life be blinkered while he planned it all out and he knew how this story ended even if she didn't want to.
     
    Jack took her hand and put the pager into it.
     
    “You didn't have to go to all that trouble to get me to take this. I would have taken it without the mind fuck.” She gave an ugly little laugh and he stayed where he was, watching her, ready to