Free Jean P Sasson - [Princess 02] by Princess Sultana's Daughters (pdf) Page A

times in my youth, as a laughing child in my mother's arms, and later as a rebellious girl seeking communication with my God, whom I prayed would bestow peace of mind on an unhappy child.
    To my great dismay, since Kareem and I wed, I had not worshiped in Makkah during the official time of Haj.
    While Kareem and I, along with our children, have made the Umrah, or the lesser pilgrimage, which can be made at any time of year, never had we joined the multitudes in the massive annual celebration of Haj, a time when Muslims remind themselves of the lessons of sacrifice, obedience, mercy, and faith, models of conduct that are required in the Islamic faith.
    Many times over the years, I emphasized to my husband that our children should experience the moving occasion of the pilgrimage during the designated time of Haj. Much to my chagrin, Kareem was forever adamant that our family flee the pandemonium of Saudi Arabia during the annual pilgrimage, which brings the largest and most concentrated gathering of human beings on earth into our country.
    Each time I requested of Kareem the justification for his non-performance of Haj, my husband would provide me with a multitude of lame explanations that were heavy with contradiction.
    Bewildered at his attitude and determined to get to the heart of the matter, I once purposely entangled Kareem in the discrepancy of his excuses, trapping him on the issue. Kareem was groping for a path out of his dilemma when I plainly told my husband, a man who believes in the God of Mohammed, that it seemed to me he abhorred the ritual that brings such joy to all Muslims. There was no other explanation for his bizarre behavior.
    I crossed my arms across my chest and waited for his response to this insulting charge, which demanded refutation.
    Kareem's face swelled with revulsion at the accusation so vile to a Muslim! Shocked at such a scandalous idea, he swore to me that he did not abhor the pilgrimage!
    In the manner all men respond when they are in the wrong, Kareem then yelled out, "Sultana, you are ugly to my eyes," and turned his back on me as if to leave the room, but I ran around his side and without stretched arms blocked the door with my body, demanding more specifics.
    I screamed out that I was displeased with what I had heard, and that I would wait for ever for a compelling explanation of his annual flight from the Haj. Sensing that Kareem was in a position of weakness, I became reckless and added a small lie, saving, "Others have noticed your strange distaste for Haj, and people are beginning to talk."
    When Kareem saw that I would not let him pass without using physical force, he stared down at me and hesitated for a long moment. I could see that he was examining and weighing the wisdom of his ~ply. Making a decision, he pulled me by the arm and forced me down on the side of the bed by pushing my shoulders with his hands. He paced for a short time to the balcony doors and back, and then his defenses fell.
    Kareem confessed in a rush that as a young man he had once suffered a realistic and terrifying nightmare that he was crushed to death in a crowd of Haj is (people of the Muslim faith who attend Haj).
    I made a sound in my throat. Many baffling aspects of my husband's behavior were now clear in my mind. Since the time I first met him, Kareem had seen crowds where there were none, interpreting the smallest groups of people as a mass of humanity. I shook my head at the perplexing intimacies of my husband's inner life, which I had never known. So! Kareem was frightened of the masses of pilgrims!
    Being a strong believer in the powerful message of dreams, I turned my attention to Kareem's words; my mood was grim as I listened to his vivid description of the imaginary yet frightening experience he had endured while sleeping.
    My husband's face became pale as he graphically described the feeling of being asphyxiated under the trampling feet of frenzied worshipers. He told me that since the time of his