Free The Nice Girl Syndrome by Beverly Engel Page A

to feel they have a voice in the household or to leave.
    P AR T TWO

    F ROM F ALSE B ELIEFS TO
    E MPOWERING B ELIEFS
    4

    Stop Putting Others’ Feelings and Needs ahead of Your Own

    I have another duty equally sacred. . . .
    My duty to myself.
    —H ENRIK I BSEN , A D OLL ’ S H OUSE

    False belief: Other people’s feelings and needs are more important than my own.

    Empowering belief: My feelings and needs are just as impor- tant as anyone else’s.

    This chapter is especially beneficial for Martyrs

    W

    omen are biologically programmed to be caretakers. Add this to the fact that many women are socialized from early child-
    hood to put other people first and to sacrifice for the people they care about, and we find that it is not uncommon for women to put other people’s feelings and needs ahead of their own. Most psychol- ogists would agree that the average woman is more willing to com- promise her beliefs, values, and desires to maintain a relationship than is the average man.
    Unfortunately, putting other people’s feelings and needs ahead of her own can create a situation in which a woman actually becomes

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    54 T HE N ICE G IRL S YNDROME

    unaware of or numb to her own feelings and needs. Once this occurs, she is a prime candidate to be used or abused by others without her even realizing it. She becomes so focused outside of herself and so cut off from her own needs that, in essence, she neglects and abuses herself.
    Even the most liberated and powerful women can fall into the trap of putting others’ needs and feelings first. In Revolution from Within , Gloria Steinem wrote about her own experience of being what she called “empathy sick,” meaning that she had focused so much of her time and attention on helping others and meeting their needs that she had lost touch with herself and her own needs. She reached a point when she knew other people’s feelings better than her own.
    In my book Loving Him without Losing You , I wrote about my own experience with empathy sickness. About fifteen years ago, I became burned out physically, emotionally, and spiritually from spending all my time and energy on helping clients and pouring my soul into one relationship after another. Both my physical and emotional health were suffering, and I had lost touch with my own needs.
    This is a typical scenario for many women—not just those who are committed to social change and the betterment of others. Women tend to focus so much attention on caring for others, on being empa- thetic to the needs of others, that we get lost in the process.

    Self-Blame
    Another issue women experience is that they tend to blame them- selves for problems in their relationships. For example, if a woman’s husband constantly complains that she is not meeting his needs, she doesn’t question whether he is being too critical or demanding. Instead, she will probably bend over backward to please him. This was the situation with my client Rhonda, who had been married for five years when she came to see me. She had become very depressed and wasn’t sure why. As she explained during our first session, “I’m so disappointed in myself. I just can’t seem to get it together. My husband says I’m lazy, and I guess he’s right. After all, I can’t seem to do even the simplest task correctly.”
    S TOP P UTTING O THERS ’ F EELINGS AND N EEDS AHEAD OF Y OUR O WN 55

    She explained that her husband, Matt, had a strong need for order in the house. “I know he likes things just a certain way. That’s the way he was raised. His mother was an immaculate housekeeper. I’ve tried to do a good job with the house, but I keep on falling short, no matter how hard I try.”
    I wanted to know what it was that didn’t please her husband. “Well, I can’t seem to keep the kitchen clean enough. He’s always finding spots on the appliances. And he spent a lot of money having new hardwood floors put in, and I keep spilling water on them when I water the