Free Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne, Lisa M. Ross Page B

from their parents, then attention from someone else will do; and if they can’t attract compassionate attention, any form of attention can seem like a worthwhile substitute.
    On the flip side of parental busyness, what I’ve noticed often lately are children whose behavior is already so “pumped up,” so frenetic and on edge, that it’s hard to notice when they’re emotionally agitated. For children whose “norm” has become an elevated emotional state, and whose daily lives are rushed and pressured, there’s little equilibrium to measure against, no “set point” or normal temperature to judge by. When this is the case, children can very quickly get into trouble, manifesting extreme behavior just to say something quite simple: “I need a break.”

Quieting Things Down
    Physical Fever: There it is: a fever, an upset stomach, a nasty cough. Once we’ve noticed that our child isn’t feeling well, what do we do? We stop our normal routines. Even as we’re trying to figure out how we can possibly accommodate the change, we’re making the announcement: “No school for you, love,” or “Oh dear, let’s tell Erin you can play another day, but right now you need to rest.” Everyone else may gather at the table for dinner, but this child is off the regular eating routines and foods. They’ve been pulled out of the normal flow of daily life—the chores and activities, the comings and goings—and allowed to take a passive role, to be within the group while outside the action.
    Soul Fever: So, you’ve noticed, and something is definitely up. No matter how fast they’re spinning (figuratively, or, in the case of the little ones, sometimes literally), they’re actually exhausted, quite undone. With emotional overload or soul fever, just as a physical fever, once noticed,it is time to stop normal routines. Children may resist this, but at times they seem to be almost pulling you to a stop with clingy behavior and an uncharacteristic avoidance of anything new.
    As when a child is ill, there is now a shift in the normal flow of family activities, an accommodation that needs to be made. Certainly the child needs to take a break from after-school activities; they might even need to stay home from school. A parent decides the length and breadth of the change for a little one. For a middle school child, you might consult with the child, still making the final decision. And for a teenager, you collaborate on the best way to make sure they really take a step back, and out, from the pressures they are feeling.
    Most children, no matter what their age, can reset their emotional clock given two or three quiet days. One restful, simplified weekend is usually enough to make the difference, to break a soul fever. It affords enough space and grace to loosen an emotional knot.
    When there’s a real problem that underlies the soul fever, I’m not suggesting that a quiet weekend will directly address the issue. But it will help your child maintain the resiliency they need to address it. Especially with older kids, who may be dealing with difficulties at school, with friends or romances, a quiet weekend is not a cure-all. But I still contend that it can be one of the best medicines. Our impulse as a parent may be to jump in and “make everything better,” which is impossible, and more clearly so as our children mature. But their success in facing and resolving issues depends on their ability to work through their emotions, to regulate their physical and emotional energy. That’s when a little retreat, a break in the normal routine, can really help.
    Early on in my eldest daughter’s second-grade year, she told us about a girl in her class, Myrna, who was often “silly and nasty.” We weren’t quite sure what that combination meant, but we could tell that she was wary of Myrna. Midyear, however, the silly/nasty threat seemed to be close at hand, and our daughter was clearly being affected. She did not want to talk about it.