things, making him think and feel things that were not part of him but part of something else. Something alien.
No, none of it made any real sense.
But what had happened in Hut #6 didnât make any either. It had happened, he was certain it had happened. But what proof was there? Minute by minute it was fading in his head like a bad dream, becoming indistinct and surreal . . . like something viewed through yellowed cellophane.
Hayes knew he had to put it into some kind of perspective, though, had to beat it into submission and stomp it flat. Because if he couldnât do that, if he couldnât bronze his balls and inflate his chest . . . well then, he would start raving like Lind, his mind going to a warm fruiting pulp.
Hut #6, Hut #6, Hut #6.
Jesus, he was starting to think of it as some taboo place, a shunned place like a haunted house filled with evil sprits that oozed from the shattered walls or the cobwebby tomb of some executed witch that had eaten children and called up the dead, was looking for a good reason to rise herself. But thatâs how he saw it: a bad place. Not a place that was necessarily physically dangerous, but psychologically toxic and spiritually rotten.
Twice since returning from Hut #6, he had marched over to the infirmary, stood outside Doc Sharkeyâs room, wanting to pound on the door, scratch his way through it, throw himself at her feet and scream out the horrors he had suffered. But each time he got there, the strength, the volition to do anything more than listen to his own feeble, crushed voice shrieking in his head was gone.
He wasnât entirely sure how he felt about Sharkey . . . a married woman, Christ in Heaven . . . but he knew, deep down he knew, that he could have gone to her, any time of day or night and she would have helped him, she would have been there for him. Because the bond between them was there, it was real, it was strong, it was strung tight and sure like cable. Yet, for all that, he just couldnât do it. Couldnât see him dumping this rotting, smelly mess at her feet.
She would want you to.
But Hayes still couldnât do it, just couldnât open up his flank like that. Not yet. That feeling of violation â go ahead and say the word, bucko,
rape,
because thatâs how it made you feel, like youâd been viciously
raped
â was too real yet and he couldnât put it into perspective. He would need time.
His second trip to the infirmary, he just stood outside Sharkeyâs door with a breathless, silent sobbing knotted in his throat. Before the sobbing became the real thing, he went into the infirmary itself and beyond to the room where there were a few cots set up for sick people.
Lind was on one of them.
He had been restrained now, pumped full of God-knows-what to keep him calm and quiet, Thorazine or something like that. Hayes stood in the doorway looking at the form of his old roommate lying there, looking wasted and old and fragile like if he fell off the cot he might break into pieces. Hayes could see him fine in the nightlight like some little old man shot through with cancer, his life wheezing out of him in rattling breaths.
It was a hell of a thing, wasnât it? To see him like that?
Hayes felt a lump of something insoluble in his throat that he couldnât seem to swallow down. Fucking Lind. Dumb sonofabitch, but harmless and funny and even sweet in his own way.
Lind, Jesus, poor Lind.
Lind whose vocabulary was severely challenged and thought gonorrhea was one of those boats they used in the canals of Venice and bullocks were a womanâs breasts. Claimed he had a maiden aunt named Chlamydia and that his sister married a guy named Harry Greenslit. He used to make Hayes laugh all the time, talking about his shrewish wife and how she rode his ass so hard when he was home he couldnât wait to get back to fucking Antarctica to cool it off. He equated his wifeâs tirades and foul mouth with being
No, none of it made any real sense.
But what had happened in Hut #6 didnât make any either. It had happened, he was certain it had happened. But what proof was there? Minute by minute it was fading in his head like a bad dream, becoming indistinct and surreal . . . like something viewed through yellowed cellophane.
Hayes knew he had to put it into some kind of perspective, though, had to beat it into submission and stomp it flat. Because if he couldnât do that, if he couldnât bronze his balls and inflate his chest . . . well then, he would start raving like Lind, his mind going to a warm fruiting pulp.
Hut #6, Hut #6, Hut #6.
Jesus, he was starting to think of it as some taboo place, a shunned place like a haunted house filled with evil sprits that oozed from the shattered walls or the cobwebby tomb of some executed witch that had eaten children and called up the dead, was looking for a good reason to rise herself. But thatâs how he saw it: a bad place. Not a place that was necessarily physically dangerous, but psychologically toxic and spiritually rotten.
Twice since returning from Hut #6, he had marched over to the infirmary, stood outside Doc Sharkeyâs room, wanting to pound on the door, scratch his way through it, throw himself at her feet and scream out the horrors he had suffered. But each time he got there, the strength, the volition to do anything more than listen to his own feeble, crushed voice shrieking in his head was gone.
He wasnât entirely sure how he felt about Sharkey . . . a married woman, Christ in Heaven . . . but he knew, deep down he knew, that he could have gone to her, any time of day or night and she would have helped him, she would have been there for him. Because the bond between them was there, it was real, it was strong, it was strung tight and sure like cable. Yet, for all that, he just couldnât do it. Couldnât see him dumping this rotting, smelly mess at her feet.
She would want you to.
But Hayes still couldnât do it, just couldnât open up his flank like that. Not yet. That feeling of violation â go ahead and say the word, bucko,
rape,
because thatâs how it made you feel, like youâd been viciously
raped
â was too real yet and he couldnât put it into perspective. He would need time.
His second trip to the infirmary, he just stood outside Sharkeyâs door with a breathless, silent sobbing knotted in his throat. Before the sobbing became the real thing, he went into the infirmary itself and beyond to the room where there were a few cots set up for sick people.
Lind was on one of them.
He had been restrained now, pumped full of God-knows-what to keep him calm and quiet, Thorazine or something like that. Hayes stood in the doorway looking at the form of his old roommate lying there, looking wasted and old and fragile like if he fell off the cot he might break into pieces. Hayes could see him fine in the nightlight like some little old man shot through with cancer, his life wheezing out of him in rattling breaths.
It was a hell of a thing, wasnât it? To see him like that?
Hayes felt a lump of something insoluble in his throat that he couldnât seem to swallow down. Fucking Lind. Dumb sonofabitch, but harmless and funny and even sweet in his own way.
Lind, Jesus, poor Lind.
Lind whose vocabulary was severely challenged and thought gonorrhea was one of those boats they used in the canals of Venice and bullocks were a womanâs breasts. Claimed he had a maiden aunt named Chlamydia and that his sister married a guy named Harry Greenslit. He used to make Hayes laugh all the time, talking about his shrewish wife and how she rode his ass so hard when he was home he couldnât wait to get back to fucking Antarctica to cool it off. He equated his wifeâs tirades and foul mouth with being
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