Free TALES FROM THE SCRIPT: THE BEHIND-THE-CAMERA ADVENTURES OF A TV COMEDY WRITER by Gene Perret Page B

guy got up to speak and in the middle of his
question he fell over, right at my feet. i got up and ran away.”
Then he added with disdain, “Do you think any of those other
writers would come to help him?”
i learned a lot that first year on writing staff. i learned, for instance,
that the creative people in Hollywood don’t give normal Christmas
gifts. Arnie Kogen spent one day calling banks to see if he could buy
a series of Polish war bonds as gifts for several of his business associates. One of the bank executives told him quite vigorously that he
should be ashamed of himself for contributing to Poland’s economy.
She said, “Don’t you know they’re at war with us?”
Arnie abandoned that shopping spree, not because of her admonition, but because he couldn’t find any place that sold Polish war
bonds. So, for each of his friends, all of whom lived in the pleasant
climate of Southern California, Arnie purchased and gift-wrapped
one snow tire.
We writers had a picture taken of ourselves surrounding the large
logo that we used to open the show each week. That was our Christmas present to Jim nabors. Jim enjoyed it and hung it over the couch
in his office.
The following year, though, the joke sort of backfired. We all
went over to nBC and had our picture taken with Flip Wilson. Flip’s
new show was on opposite the Jim nabors Hour. it seemed funny at
the time, but by the end of the year, Flip had outdrawn us in the ratings, and The Jim Nabors Hour was cancelled.
i wonder where those photos are today.
Another thing that i learned during my rookie year in Hollywood
was that i was not the big shot that i thought i was.
My wife convinced me that i should invite some neighbors to see
a taping of the nabors show. So, i arranged for ViP tickets—no waiting in line outside the studio. By giving my name to the page on duty,
my guests were escorted into the studio and given preferred seats.
After the taping, the writers had to meet for changes and rewrites
to get ready for the next taping, so i couldn’t join those folks for dinner. i did, though, arrange, with my new pre-approved credit, for
them to have cocktails and dinner on me at the City Slicker.
The next morning was Saturday, and that gentleman noticed me
sitting in my back yard, so he came down the street to join me. i presumed he wanted to thank me for an entertaining and exciting evening. i presumed wrong.
He pulled up a chair, got comfortable in my back yard, and the
first words out of his mouth were, “You know what’s wrong with that
show?”
Chapter Nine
Bob Hope Calls
    Around 1959, i first decided that i might try comedy writing as a livelihood. i figured i should learn a little bit about the craft. Bob Hope’s
material seemed to be the best to study. it was good performance
comedy, but it also translated well to the written word. Even though
Hope’s expert timing and delivery helped each gag, the material was
still funny when you read quotes of it in the paper. Other comics
could be hilarious, but much of their effectiveness depended on their
stage antics. Jerry Lewis, for instance, was not very quotable.
    So i decided to study Bob Hope. He and his writers became my
mentors. i made an audio tape of each one of Bob Hope’s opening
monologues from his television specials. i typed out the material and
studied it to learn the form of gags he used, their sequences, and how
he worded the jokes. i became very familiar with Hope’s rapid-fire
style of one-line comedy.
    Then, i put the monologue away for a while. After a few weeks, i
picked several current topics from the newspapers and tried to write
new material on those topical items using the format and style that
was in the Bob Hope monologue. That was my homemade course in
comedy writing.
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    Flash forward to one weekend late in March 1970. i had just finished doing some yard work. After a shower, i planned to simply relax
for the remainder of the weekend, preparing