Free Unmistakable by Gigi Aceves Page B

arches his brow at me, wanting me to start talking as soon as we set foot in the garage. I in turn, put my pointer finger up, telling him to give me a minute. I need to get my head straight, first.
    I find myself thinking of Roxy, while I stand looking at Jake. I don’t know why I find it hard to surrender control to her. I know I can. I’ve done it many times. Every time my crew and I set out on a mission, I let go of part of the control to each and every member in my team. Why can’t I do it to her…. for her…. with her? The answer to that question, surprisingly, is right in front of me. The realization hits me so hard, so strong, its trajectory almost brings me to my knees. Everything else stops, and the only thing I can feel is the jack hammering of my heart. Let’s not talk about the pain, because I’ll take every bone in my body breaking, instead of what I’m feeling right now. Not only did I discover what she doesn’t want or can’t give me, but I also, unfortunately, understood why I can’t give her what I so willingly and freely give my brothers in arms.
    TRUST versus CONTROL.
    She doesn’t trust me enough for me to give up control.
    Trust and Control , in my mind, need to be in a symbiotic and reciprocal relationship. When you’re in a combat zone, you have to trust the guy next to you will have your back, and do his job at the same time. So, Roxy and me both of us fighting to keep what we’re afraid to give. Can we truly function together, without gifting each other these two things we hold so close? How can I truly convince her to trust me if I can’t even convince myself to give up my need to control shit.
    Jake slaps my shoulders, bringing me back to earth.
    “What’s going on in that fucking head of yours?”
    “How’d you give it up, Jake? I’m having a hard time coming to terms with it,” I finally ask the question I’m dying to get answered.
    With his brows scrunched up, he asks. “Give what up?”
    “Control. How’d you give it up? Is there some kind of ritual or some shit like that? Man, let me tell you, I’m about ready to do the rain dance butt naked. I’m climbing the fucking walls on this one.”
    He shrugs his shoulders and smiles. “Love. That’s what made me give up my need to control shit. I love her more than loving control. I thought I could dominate her tears and fears by telling her to be strong, but in reality, I was trying to control something I couldn’t. Fear is a bitch, Cody. There’s no ammo, no plan, no air strike that can kill it. It’s a silent enemy that strikes whenever it wants. There are two things that can kill it. One, you gotta trust the Big Man Upstairs. He calls the shots, man. Two, a solid core, meaning you and Rox have to be secure in the love you have for each other.”
    “Trust me, Jake. I trust the Big J. I wouldn’t have lasted in the Corps blowing shit up, going from one mission to another if I didn’t. I know Roxy and I are solid, as far as the love we have for each other; but she doesn’t trust me, and that’s the fucking problem. It’s not fear at all. Trish trusts you completely. Roxy, though, fuck if I know.”
    Jake puts his hand up to stop me from talking. “Fear always comes with something attached to it, and that’s the reason why you’re afraid. In your case, you’re afraid to give up control, while she’s afraid to trust you.”
    “Jake, I just want her to follow my lead. I want her to ask me what I think is best, and believe I know what the fuck I’m doing. I need her to trust me, implicitly. Every mission I was assigned to, I got the fucking job done. I get it done! I know my mark, and time and time again, I’ve put a bullet between my mark’s fucking eyes. So, I say again, all I want…all I need is for her to believe I know my shit. I want her to give me the reins on how to handle us!”
    Frustration as strong as the strongest quake rattles my insides. It shakes the foundation of my belief in myself, because