Free Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari, Eric Klinenberg Page A

about
you
.
    This way, our feelings aren’t hurt
and
we aren’t left confused or frustrated by silence or “pretend to be busy” issues. So I guess what I’m saying is the next time someone asks you out and you aren’t interested, the nicest thing you can do is write back: “Sorry, can’t do dinner tomorrow. I’m leaving on a secret mission with the space program! When I return to earth, I will have barely aged at all, but you’ll be seventy-eight years old. I just don’t think it’s a good time for me.”
    WHAT HAPPENED WITH TANYA, THOUGH?
    The thing to remember with this nonsense is, despite all your second-guessing about the content or timing of your message, sometimes it’s just not your fault and other factors are at play. When I was dealing with the Tanya situation, one friend gave me the best advice, in hindsight. He said, “A lot of times you’re in these situations and you second-guess the things you said, did, or wrote, but sometimes it just has to do with something on
their
end that you have no clue about.”
    A few months later I ran into Tanya. We had a lot of fun together and she eventually told me that she was sorry she didn’t get back to me that time. Apparently at the time she was questioning her entire sexual identity and was trying to figure out if she was a lesbian.
    Well, that was definitely not a theory that crossed my mind.
    We ended up hooking up that night, and this time she said there would be no games.
    I texted her a few days later to follow up on this plan.
    Her response: silence. *

CHAPTER 3
ONLINE DATING
    A s a public figure, I have never considered doing any online dating. I always figured there was a chance someone who was a stalker type would use it as an opportunity to kidnap and murder me.
    I’m not sure how the scenario would go. Maybe my stalker (probably an Indian dude) sees my profile and thinks,
Oh, here’s that comedian guy on OkCupid. FINALLY, I have a way to reach out to him and slowly plot his murder.
He sends me a message pretending to be a woman. I see the profile. “She” likes tacos and
Game of Thrones
. I’m very excited.

    What I imagine my Indian dude stalker looks like. *
    We plan a date. I’m nervous, but in a fun way. I go to pick “her” up. He, wearing a wig, answers the door. I immediately realize this is wrong, but he knocks me out before I can react. When I wake up, I’m in a dark basement filled with dolls, and a creepy song like “The Chauffeur” by Duran Duran is playing. He then performs a face-off surgery and takes over my life.
    I scream in agony and think,
I knew this would happen
.
    Okay, this is probably a highly unlikely scenario, but still, you understand my hesitation. The truth is I’ve always thought online dating is great.
    I once met someone who found his wife by using Match.com and searching—and this is a direct quote—“Jewish and my zip code.” I joked that that’s how I would go about finding a Wendy’s. “I’d type Wendy’s and my zip code and then I’d go get some nuggets.” It is a little silly that that’s how this guy found his wife, but to me it honestly is a beautiful and fascinating thing that this goofy search led to him finding the person with whom he will share his life. *
    It’s an amazing series of events: He types in this phrase, all these random factors and algorithms come together, this woman’s face comes up, he clicks it, he sends a message, and then eventually that woman becomes the person he spends the rest of his life with. Now they’re married and have a kid. A life. A
new life
was created because one moment, years ago, he decided to type “Jewish 90046” * and hit “enter.”
    Connections like this are now being made on a massive scale. OkCupid alone is responsible for around forty thousand dates of new couples every day. That’s eighty thousand people who are meeting one another for the first time daily because of this website. Roughly three thousand of them will end up in