Free 'Till Death Do Us Part: Love, Marriage, and the Mind of the Killer Spouse by Robi Ludwig, Matt Birkbeck Page B

excessively sensitized to signals that hint that he is unneeded, unsuccessful, and unappreciated.
    Men, like women, depend on their partner to reassure them of their self-worth. When a woman does not offer this support, if his expectations are too high or if he feels she is deliberately withholding it, many men feel lost. Some respond by proving their virility with violence and taking control. When a woman is married to an abusive and overly controlling man, she gets blamed for not providing this important feedback the way, in his mind, she promised. Such men develop a hypersensitivity to the possibility of humiliation. To defend against feeling this dysphoric state, many men engage in controlling behavior, such as emotional, verbal, or physical abuse, to eliminate the source of discomfort and regain a sense of well-being.
    Robert was more dependent on Gail than she realized, and when his needs were not met, he could not tolerate his unpleasant emotional response. He knew his wife wanted to leave him and was having affairs with other men. He did not so much want to control his wife as to make her stop making him suffer and feel bad. He needed her to think well of him in order to think well of himself. His violence toward her was an attempt to regain his sense of self. Batterers, like Robert, often feel that they are exploding within or coming apart when they are threatened. In the moment that they abuse, they do not know how to defend themselves against feelings of being demonized or dehumanized. Such men also tend to feel that their spouse is intentionally making them feel this way. So, on the outside the violence and controlling battering behavior are always secondary to the primary goal of protecting oneself psychologically.
    Both Gail and Robert were notorious for blaming each other for their internal emotional states. The reality was that neither of them had the capacity to deal with their own internal mental discomfort. They both pointed the finger at each other instead of taking responsibility for their own behavior and looking to themselves to deal with their negative feelings. Robert and Gail gave each other good reasons to believe the other was the primary cause of their problematic emotional and marital state.
    But Gail stepped over the line when she threatened Robert’s professional existence. He had worked too long and too hard to have his career ended, especially by someone who brought on these murderous impulses with her infidelities and imperfections. He knew Gail wanted to leave him. But when she threatened to ruin his surgical career by publicizing the letter stating he was psychotic and violent, she had gone too far. Gail had embarked on an unconscious suicide mission. Just as she was on the brink of scholastic success and social independence, she pushed her husband way too far. Robert was enraged, and he was not going to let anyone or anything stop him from achieving a successful career.
    Like many abusing and controlling men Robert felt his life being threatened and his internal experience, if he could describe it in words, would sound like this: “What does she want from me? I can’t take it anymore. She’s unbearable and trying to make me feel like total garbage. She is going to ruin me, and she won’t stop until she destroys me. I’m going to explode and become completely annihilated.”
    A surgeon has the power of life and death in his hands every day, and Robert was someone who, outside his home, was treated like a god and hero. But in someone like Robert, who has sociopathic tendencies and believes himself to be above the law, such godlike feelings can become lethal.
    Robert’s marriage and his career were about to end, and he decided to take matters into his hands once and for all. It was clear to him that Gail was never going to be the wife he needed her to be. She was too vituperative and rebellious. She was like a cancerous tumor in his life that needed to be surgically removed and