Free Say What You Will by Cammie McGovern Page B

In making friends, I see the way some people handicap themselves. I believe there are choices each of us make every single day. We can dwell on our limitations or we can push ourselves past them. I may be a nonverbal girl delivering a speech, but I am no braver than a shy person walking up to their crush and asking them out. Or a socially phobic person going to a party. I have learned not to judge people by their limitations, but by the way they push past them.
    “I have learned that many people have disabilities they must make their peace with.”
    Amy wasn’t sure what to make of the silence that followed. Her Pathway had no sense of theater. No way to raise its voice to indicate a conclusion. No one clapped. Maybe they didn’t realize it was over. Finally a light applause started from the general direction of her parents’ seats. Others joined politely.
    Suddenly it was obvious.
    The problem wasn’t her computer voice; it was her speech. She felt her face go warm as her legs froze. She had to take two steps from the podium to her walker, but she was afraid she wouldn’t make it. Then she knew she wouldn’t. She couldn’t even turn in the right direction.
    How long would it take someone to come help her? Who would it be?
    Anyone but my mother, she thought.
    Matthew, she thought. Come save me from this.
    Then the lights came up and she saw: his seat was empty. He was already gone.
    “I think Matthew was kind of upset,” Chloe said afterward. “Not that it wasn’t a great speech, Aim. Seriously. But he might have thought you were talking about him or something.”
    Sanjay, standing next to her, rolled his eyes. “Gee, Chloe, why would he think that?”
    Chloe didn’t realize he was being sarcastic. “ You know . He’s the locker tapper. He’s got his issues, and Amy just talked about them in front of everybody.” She was trying to whisper, but too many nights in loud clubs had left Chloe unable to moderate her voice.
    Amy felt her breath go short. Why hadn’t this occurred to her? Other people had watched Matthew, too. She had written the speech hoping to make a private point between the two of them. We both have problems and we have to be brave. Look at me up here. If I can do this, you can, too. She imagined it leading to all sorts of breakthroughs. Matthew getting help, starting medication, showing up at her front door one day to kiss her in gratitude for the inspiration she provided with her speech. “I think he’s pretty pissed,” Chloe said.
    Sanjay whistled. “I’d call him rip-shit mad myself.”
    For the rest of the day, Amy didn’t see Matthew. That night she texted him from home:
    I’m sorry, Matthew, if you took my speech the wrong way. It wasn’t about you.
    She pressed send and kept going.
    It was about all my peer helpers. They all have secrets they don’t show the world. I was trying to make a point about friendship. That if we’re all honest, we can help each other.
    That’s all I wanted to say.
    Matthew?
    Are you seriously not talking to me?
    Matthew?
    For three days she didn’t hear from him.
    On Monday, she looked for him all day at school. Unfortunately he knew her schedule well enough that he could easily avoid her, and her helper that day was Sarah.
    “DID YOU THINK MY SPEECH WAS BAD?” she asked at lunch.
    “No,” Sarah said. “I actually thought you were talking about me for most of it. Then I looked over at Matthew and thought, Oh right—it’s got to be him .”
    Just as she was wondering if Matthew would ever speak to her again, she got another surprise: there he was after school, waiting for her outside the classroom door for yearbook. “Were you saying Sarah and the others have secret problems no one knows about?”
    She was so happy to see him that she couldn’t help it: she squealed a little. She collected herself and turned on her Pathway. “EVERYONE DOES, MATTHEW.”
    “But it was me you were talking about.”
    “NOT ONLY YOU.”
    He stared at her.