Free Magic Unchained by Jessica Andersen Page B

stroke the rest of him.
    No real desire at all, in fact.
    At the realization,
What the hell
turned into
Oh, hell
,and her stomach dropped. What was she doing? She knew this wasn’t going to work, had known it the moment he’d bared his feelings and her first reaction had been dismay, her second a profound wish that he’d kept it to himself. And the way her brain was racing as he kissed her now was further proof—as if she’d needed it—that they weren’t a match for the short or long term. In the dark depths of the night, she fantasized about a man whose kisses and touch blocked out rational thought and made the world disappear. Not one who made her feel all awkward, like her arms and legs weren’t angled quite right as she held on to him.
    She must have stiffened or made some sound, because he ended the kiss and drew away, his eyes searching hers. “And for the record, I’m not talking about just a hookup here. I never was. I want us to—”
    “Stop,” she said in a low, ragged voice. “Please stop.”
    He hesitated, his expression dimming. “You’re seriously not going to give this a chance?” His voice roughened with urgency. “We could be good together. Let me help you. Let me be there for you.”
    Temptation tugged once more, reminding her of all the times she’d watched the mated magi share a touch or a look, or make a less-than-subtle dash for their quarters hand in hand, and wished she could have what they had. She had tried to imagine what it would be like to be part of a couple—not just a friends-with-benefits thing like she’d had before, but a real couple—and know that there was always going to be someone on her side, ready to back her up if she needed it. Only now that she was being offered exactly that, she found she didn’t want it, not the way she had thought. She wasn’t sure if it was the timing, the man, or both, but even as her heart cracked alittle and her instincts warned that she couldn’t risk alienating him, she shook her head. “I’m sorry, Zane, but I can’t. I just can’t. I need”—
sparks,
she thought, but instead went with—“something different.”
    His expression flattened. “Something other than a man who cares about you, is attracted to you, and wants to help you succeed?” When she didn’t answer, he caught her hands again, his grip warm and sure. “You don’t have to answer right away. You can take some time, think it through, be sure you’re making the right decision.”
    “I
am
sure.” She reversed so she was the one gripping his hands, the one squeezing to make sure he was paying attention, because she wanted—
needed
—to have this be the end of the discussion. “Please listen to me, and believe me when I say that I’m very sorry—sorrier than I really know how to express—but this isn’t going to happen. I said no the other night and I’m saying it now, and I don’t need to take time and think it through. This is the right decision for me, and I’m going to have to ask you to respect that.” She paused. “I’m sorry, Zane; I really am. Not just because I’m turning you down, but also because now I have to ask you if we’re still going to be able to work together after this, or if I should start thinking about rearranging the command structure.”
    The woman in her knew she was kicking a good man while he was down. The leader she was becoming said she had to know.
    Now it was his turn to pull his hands away from their clasp, his turn to take a couple of steps back. He stood with his hands locked behind his back, his chin up, and his eyes looking past her as he said, “Don’t worry about me. I know how to soldier up.”
    Her stomach knotted at his stark tone, and the knowledgethat he’d never done anything to make her doubt his professionalism. “I know. I didn’t… Shit. I’m sorry.”
    Chin dipping in an almost-nod of acknowledgment that didn’t reach his faraway eyes, he said, “Then I guess I’ll see you at the