Free My One and Only by Kristan Higgins Page A

again.
    “No, no. No, you don’t,” he said, sliding around to put himself between the door and me. “Harper, come on.”
    “I’m absolutely positive you wouldn’t keep me here against my will, Nick,” I said lightly, not looking at him.
    He stared at me a long moment, then stepped aside. “What happened?”
    “I’m just going back to my dorm, okay? I have a, um, a history paper due.”
    “Don’t go.”
    “I just have to. It’s not a big deal.” I faked a smile and tried to tie the shoulder strap of my dress, but my hands were shaking. Still couldn’t look at him. It felt as if something big and dark was pulling in my chest, something that wanted to do me harm, and damn if I wasn’t close to tears. “Harper.”
    “Nick.”
    “Look at me.”
    What could I say? No? I obeyed, glancing at him briefly.
    “Harper, I love you.” His gypsy eyes were solemn, completely sincere, and that thing in my chest gave a fast, hard, painful twist.
    “Nick, for God’s sake,” I said unevenly. “You barely know me.”
    “Okay, fine, I take it back. You’re a shrew and a pain in the ass, but man, that thing you did with your tongue…”
    I gave a surprised laugh, and Nick raised an eyebrow. “Can I see you again? Can I shag you again? Please, Harper?” And he grinned, and whatever had been in his eyes a second ago was replaced with an impish light.
    I smiled back, and that dark thing subsided, leaving me almost limp with relief. “I’m extremely busy, but you never know.”
    “Stay a little longer? Even though I can barely tolerate you?”
    I hesitated. We should probably go now, said my brain. “Sure,” said the rest of me.
    I know I was supposed to want what normal people wanted. That being loved was supposed to make me feel safe and cherished and happy. And Nick did make me feel those things, sort of. But I never seemed to be able to keep the dark, pulling thing completely at bay. I kept wondering when the other shoe would drop, when this would all end. How much damage would occur when it did.
    I was twenty years old, raised by a father who didn’t like to talk about messy human emotions, abandoned by a mother who had once adored me. I tried not to think about it, but in the back of my heart, on the tip of my brain, the thought lurked that Nick could ditch me at any time. My own mother had…why not some guy? Best not to fall all the way in love. Best to protect myself as much as I could.
    If Nick sensed something was off, he didn’t ask, and even if he had, I wouldn’t have had the words to tell him the truth. When your own mother deserts you without a backward glance, it’s hard to believe you can be truly and unconditionally loved. Love gets used up, you see.
    So…Nick and I had fun together. Kept things light, and if he looked at me too…seriously or whatever, I’d tell him to wipe that look off his face, and he would. But the sex, it must be acknowledged, was flipping unbelievable. Not that I had anything to compare it with, but I knew. I pretended it didn’t mean anything, and we didn’t talk about it, but I knew just the same.
    And Nick gave me enough rope to hang myself, never pushed, never again told me he loved me, stopped joking about marriage. When he moved down to the city at the end of the school year, eight months after we’d met, I honestly felt as if I might die. “Drive safely!” I called briskly as he got into his battered car, as the dark thing swelled dangerously. I kept smiling as he started the engine. Took out my phone and pretended to check for messages, which I couldn’t actually see, as my eyes were blinking furiously.
    Then Nick cut the engine, jumped out of the car and hugged me, and I hugged him back so hard it hurt, and he kissed me fiercely. “I’ll miss you,” he whispered, and I couldn’t speak, it hurt so much to think about even a day without him, let alone forever, because of course I didn’t expect things to actually work out.
    But they did. He called me