Free Twitter Wit: Brilliance in 140 Characters Or Less by Nick Douglas Page B

Simpson’s verdict on the second presidential debate: “That won.”
    Of course, in daily life, the one-liners aren’t anything more than a joke and a stress reliever. The Office’ s Jim Halpert has a camera to grimace at. The rest of us have Twitter. We commiserate about our families, our jobs, our personal foibles. Even celebrities find a release. Comedian Stephen Fry (stephenfry) is a particularly masterful whiner. Plenty of British comedians found a new and loving audience on Twitter. But Mr. Fry is the only one so far to entertain tens of thousands with live updates about being stuck in an elevator, while his cross-dressing colleague Eddie Izzard (eddieizzard) has explained to his followers the balance between Girl Mode and Boy Mode.
    Some users take on an alternate persona, like the whimsical TheLordYourGod, the sarcastic HotAmishChick, and the self-assured FakeSarahPalin. Some craft elaborate fictions, like Fireland’s tweet (my personal favorite): “Why should I be the one to take the kids to see their psychologist? I don’t even love them!” Most wits simply draw from daily life, using a hiccup or a bad fortune cookie as an excuse for a joke.
    I now follow more than eight hundred people on Twitter. I don’t recommend that—there’s no way to keep up—but it’s satisfying to bathe in the site’s rich variety of comedy, and whom could I un-follow when everyone’s so entertaining? I can’t read everything that pours into my Twitter feed, so I’m dumping it on you. This book, three years in the making, covers the wholehistory of Twitter from its early days as a geek hangout to its current golden age as the world’s hottest social network. It shows how clever a simple sentence can be, whether written by a renowned comedian, a college student, or a stay-at-home mom. And it’s a chance to sit back from the torrent of tweets online and read a few that deserve some extra attention.
    This is no exclusive club. Anyone can follow the hundreds of contributors in this book, read their tweets, and star them to show their appreciation. And anyone can use Twitter a little more sharply, turning a mundane status report into a witty aside. When you do, be sure to let me know.
    Nick Douglas
    (nick)

What’s the deal with deaf people? Like, HELLO?
    aedison
    My half-brother has spent twenty-five years saying “Marijuana’s not addictive!” Now he’s shortened it to “Where’s my phone?”
    johnroderick
    It’s the postproduction phase of eating fast food that takes the experience all downhill.
    feliciaday
    I attribute most of my good days to a couple of people with voodoo dolls canceling each other out.
    TBMimsTheThird
    Bummer: Found out today the faithful dog I had as a boy was only CGI’ed in.
    bonisteel

London city airport. Where form meets function. AND THEY HAVE A FIGHT.
    stephenfry
     
     
    I haven’t had anything left for Lent since 1993 when, at Arsenio’s urging, I gave it up for Marlon Wayans.
    weselec
    That’s ok. I’ve been meaning to clean that table with a full glass of water for a while.
    fedge
    I wish LA was really as pretty as they made it look in “Blade Runner.”
    Tony_D
    It’s happened: I have developed real emotions for my iPhone. Actually, it’s no surprise, because I was raised by a TV and a microwave.
    stuartpaap
    I get really uncomfortable when people ask embarrassing questions about sex. Like: “Is that it?”
    nostrich
    They should really start teaching young girls in school just how valuable their virginity is and the websites where you can legally sell it.
    Yayaa
    My 9yo hopes Santa brings a PS3. He’ll be comforted to know the box of disappointment under the tree has another year of free rent inside.
    joeschmidt
    Haven’t shaved in so long that I scratched my cheek and an ex-girlfriend tumbled out. No, that’s a tapeworm.
    pagecrusher
    Whenever I see the word “Chicagoland” I envision a cold theme park where everyone is eating sausages and looks like Mike