Free Mennonite in a Little Black Dress (Memoir) (2010) by Rhoda Janzen Page B

weekend that I was privileged to eat these cold cuts every day, I exerted myself to get Todd to use the possessive form of cold cuts : he'd add an extra tz sound, like the German z . "My cold cutzes freshness is unrivaled," he'd say. "I mean, this is some fresh meat. Try the pimento loaf."
    During the weekend of the cold cutzes reign up at Phil and Hannah's cabin at Tahoe, Yvonne revealed her follicle situation to me. Phil and Todd were off enjoying the cold cutzes flavor on the lake below. Yvonne and Hannah and I were sitting on the deck with magazines and iced tea; it was about noon. No alcohol was involved. We were all wearing shorts, dressed for a hike we planned on taking later that afternoon. Yvonne was wearing a T-shirt that said, ASK ME HOW TO COVER YOUR BLEMISH! Mine said, I AM THE GRAMMARIAN ABOUT WHOM YOUR MOTHER WARNED YOU. Hannah was wearing a nice periwinkle blouse, very ladylike.
    Five minutes earlier Yvonne had suggested that Hannah and I try her full-coverage foundation to even out our color-"Ladies, you gals got the full-blown German complexion, let me tell it to you straight! When I was a kid, I had a pet rat that had eyes just the color of your skin! No offense!"-but since that comment, the three of us had lapsed into pleasant silence, paging through our magazines. To my astonishment Yvonne suddenly stood up, unzipped her shorts, hooked a thumb in her panties, and revealed a patch so hirsute it could have kept a family of five warm through a long Arctic winter. "I just want you to see what I'm dealing with here," she said. "Have you ever seen a thang like that?"
    Phil nodded when I later reported on the unexpected appearance of the Thang. I felt like someone who had documented a fabled entity, such as the Sasquatch.
    Hannah said, "I'd heard about it, but that was the first time I saw it in full bush. Was it just me, or could you detect the shape of the Virgin Mary?"
    I nodded. "If Our Lady of Mercy can appear in a water stain on an underpass, she can surely appear in your sister-in-law's underpants."
    "That's nothing," Phil said. "The Thang is old news. We've been hearing about the Thang for years. How about this ? She told us Todd gave her a dildo for Christmas."
    "I'd rather receive a dildo than cold cuts," I said, "especially if the cold cutzes additives involve the taste of liquid smoke."
    "Okay, maybe so," Phil conceded. "But which gift would you rather discuss, in detail, with your older brother ?"
    "Which gift would you rather announce in front of your nine-year-old niece not ten minutes after having gotten off the plane at the airport?" said Hannah, clearly on board with her husband on this one.
    "Cold cuts, like dildos, bring a welcome element of surprise to any family gathering," I asserted.
    "Of course Allie was all ears. 'Momma,' she goes, 'what's a dildo?'"
    "What'd you say?"
    "Yvonne cut in and fielded that one," said Phil. "She said it was a kind of Christmas candy."
    Now I couldn't wait to tell my sister that our mutual sister-in-law Staci had questioned me about my divorce and financial status during Christmas Eve dinner. In return Hannah would soon confide that Yvonne's newest boyfriend, although endowed with a magnificent eight-inch penis, was neither a gifted nor attentive lover. Hannah and I were looking forward to a compatible talkfest during which we would wonder aloud which was weirder, the fact that Yvonne would continue to date a man who in five months had not managed to give her an orgasm, or the fact that Yvonne had placidly whispered this information to Hannah less than sixty seconds into her annual Christmas visit.

    This wasn't your ordinary Scrabble. It offered a jumbo board, quadruple word scores, and two hundred tiles, thereby guaranteeing that any game would continue unabated for at least three hours. Super Scrabble demanded a serious commitment to yuletide family fun. Added to that, my mother, alert but slow, expressed painful hesitations whenever it was her turn.
    While