Free Where Have All the Bullets Gone? by Spike Milligan Page A

some of them nearly died in the attempt. This was the sort of stuff submariners dreaded, yet here we were doing it for 20 lire! We swam until sunset or death, then repaired to the American Red Cross cinema in the High Street.
    It was a Mickey Rooney, Judy Garland film with the ‘Hey, why don’t we put on a show’ crap. What had appeared to be a barn suddenly becomes the Carnegie Hall with six musicians sounding like a hundred and twenty; an unknown milkman, played by José Iturbi, plays Hungarian Rhapsody, tap danced by three hundred girls; Mickey Rooney tap dances, sings, plays the drums, the trombone, the piano, the fridge, the miracle of loaves and fishes, and then, for reasons only known to God, they all start to march towards the camera. Will Gracie appear? No, they all sing God Bless America, FDR and the Chase Manhattan Bank.
    What an exciting life we were leading.

American Red Cross Cinema and Lamppost

The Prodigal Returns
    S tanley Sir is back from the front (how’s that?). He’s heard that I’ve finished the Aquarium Club. “Major Rodes is very pleased.” So he should be, he didn’t have to do it. Stanley Sir points to the map of his tour. I was here, here and here. Not at the same time, surely. We were shelled here, and a German plane strafed us here. I told you not to play with those boys up the road.
     
    ‘ Wedding Bells are Ringing for Mary but not for Mary and Me’ (popular song, circa 1938)
    Brigadier Henry Woods is in love! Who is she that will marry this World War I Worrier at the age of 104? Let Milligan tell all.
    The story starts in Humphrey Bogart country, North Africa, land of the Bedouin, the Tuareg, the Clap. After the Torch landings, Henry Woods and his gallant band of clerks dash in and seize the offices, to assist the bureaucracy. He hires two sweaty blue-chinned Algerian Arabs and a French colonial girl, Mademoiselle Ding. They had all worked for Admiral Darlan before his assassination. Now they would work for Brigadier Woods before his assassination. The trio all speak fluent French and Arabic. When they move to Italy they come to speak to any Italians that spoke Arabic. By now Henry has fallen in love with Mademoiselle Ding! He proposes, she accepts. Soon they usher forth from the portals of St Michael’s Maddaloni. A guard of honour, clerks holding pens, form a bridal arch, the bells ring out, and the Honeymoon? Largo Como! There the happy couple dwell in bliss. But what’s this? One day Henry arises and what’s this? The bird has flown. “L’oiseau est partie.” Fancy, here in this miserable backwater Maddaloni, the Neasden of Italy, deceit and despair, he has been cuckolded! How? Well, one of the blue-chinned Algerians had a few months back asked for permission to visit his relatives in Paris, people like Laval, Petain, etc., so with all found paid and a khaki handshake, he departs. Could he be the ‘other’ man? Henry is suspicious. He sends Major Rodes and his hernia (yes, they still haven’t found the right doctor) to seek and kill. It is all as exciting as a B movie.
Algerian Sheik Sweeps Brigadier’s Wife From Under Nose of Husband
    Major Rodes’ search leads him to Paris, and success. There at a table for deux, he finds Mademoiselle Ding and the Arab. Ah, if only the Sun could have got the story.
ENGLISH BRIGADIER MARRIES FRENCH ALGERIAN THIRTY YEARS YOUNGER
‘Age makes no difference,’ she says.
STOP PRESS: THIRTY YEARS YOUNGER
‘AGE MAKES NO DIFFERENCE’ BRIDE MISSING!
Thirty Years Younger French Bride Caught In Flagrante With Algerian Arab In Bedford Hotel Paris .
“Age makes no difference,” she says.
BRIGADIER HAS ARAB’S BALLS CUT OFF
“Age makes no difference,” says Brigadier.
    Thus Major Rodes brought his rupture and the sad story back.

October 9
MY DIARY:
BAND GIG IN ROME. WHOOPEE!
    Rome! The Eternal City! Forever young! Age makes no difference here, unless you’re Henry Woods.
    We travel by Welfare Charabanc. Early morning the charabanc