Free The Housewife Assassin's Killer Christmas Tips by Josie Brown Page A

run away from her husband, a Muslim jeweler based in Moscow.
    “Your boss is bereft,” Jack tells the bodyguard. “He asks that you not disturb him. He said something about five salads.”
    The guard eyes open wide. “No, he means ‘ salats .’ He wants to pray.”
    This means only one thing. The Self Help Guru Formerly Known as the  Muammar’s Mutilator is very upset that his life-size Barbie wasn’t the fantasy bride he’d hoped for.
    “Learn anything?” Jack asks, as we roar off in his Lamborghini.
    “Yes. It’s coming in by ship.” Talk about a needle in a haystack. “Also, I now know why Qaddafi’s regime was so dysfunctional.”
    “Do you think it might’ve had something to do with the fact he was a nut?”
    “No doubt that’s a big part of it. But it turns out we Americans were the real cause of his downfall.”
    “Sure we were. We played an important if somewhat covert role in aiding and abetting the rebels.”
    “Nope, I mean even before the Arab Spring. You see, Muammar’s generals watched too much American television. To them, life is a series of self-help aphorisms culled from daytime talk shows. They also think sitcom characters are real.”
    “So do most Americans. So I guess we truly are a global village.” Jack shakes his head sadly. Then his eyes light up. “Oh, wow, that reminds me. The Big Bang Theory is on tonight!”
    “You’ll have to catch it on demand. Have you forgotten the Oprah special airs tonight? She’s interviewing Pippa Middleton! I’m sure as heck not going to miss that.”
    Jack sighs appreciatively. “Speaking of Pippa, did anyone ever tell you your butt looks a lot like hers?”
    When I punch his arm, he almost drives off the Pacific Coast Highway.

Chapter 9
    Santa Etiquette
     
    Despite the inevitable reindeer turds on the roof and the soot and ashes that fall onto the carpet as the big man clamors down the chimney, everyone happily welcomes the jolly old elf into their homes.
    Refreshments are certainly in order. Tradition dictates cookies and milk, but why not be a little more imaginative? Certainly Kris Kringle would find a chocolate pot de crème a welcomed change of pace, especially if served with brandy-laced coffee.
    Will he bring everything on your wish list? Probably not. With some gentle reminder, he’ll certainly remember to do so the following year. 
    Finding a reindeer head on his pillow might just do the trick.
     

     
    Based on Melmud’s truthiness, Arnie is able to hack into the Port of Los Angeles’s computer system and begins monitoring toy company shipments due in from all over the world.
    It’s a heck of a lot of work, since Port of LA is the busiest container port in the world, processing close to eight million shipments each year.
    “There are around thirty toy companies based in Southern California who manufacture overseas, then distribute from warehouses based at their corporate headquarters,” Ryan points out to our mission team. “Not to mention that every major toy store in the region also accepts toy shipments from out-of-region toy manufacturers. Emma, while Arnie flags the port’s shipping schedules based on that criteria, I’m putting you on the task of deciphering Jonah Breck’s personal emails for any leads on Quorum operatives.”
    As Emma nods solemnly, Arnie shoots her a thumbs-up. My guess is that he suggested she be shifted to that project. Great idea, since the sooner we learn the whereabouts of the Quorum’s leadership, agents, and operatives, the sooner we can wipe out the biggest terrorist organization in the world.
    “What about the rest of us?” asks Jack.
    “You and Abu will be inspecting every shipment flagged by Arnie. I’ve already arranged jobs for you as cargo inspectors. Jack, your first twelve-hour shift is tonight, from nine to nine. Abu will take the next twelve hours.”
    Abu makes a face. I know why. He got Ryan to sign off on his cupcake truck, but a daytime shift takes him out of