Free My Hope Is Found: The Cadence of Grace, Book 3 by Joanne Bischof Page B

he asked.
    She clenched her jaw, refusing to let one more tear fall. Not in front of Toby. Quickly, she wiped her cheeks.
    “I … It’s just …” Oh, how could she tell him? A glance into his kind eyes, and she knew he deserved to know. He deserved to know all that ran through her and in her. He was her dearest of friends. And someday he would be more.
    She took his broad hand in both of hers and held it close.
    His eyes widened in surprise.
    “This.” She squeezed his warm hand tighter. “This life”—she freed one hand to beat her fingertips against where her heart seemed scarred beyond repair—“is bittersweet. Everything is tainted. I don’t know if I’ll ever be the same again. The hurt won’t go away.”
    His face softened further. “Oh, Lonnie.” He cupped her cheek. “I’m so sorry.”
    She tipped her chin up and drew in a deep breath, hoping it would wash away the tremor in her voice. But it was no use. “I need to stop loving him.”
    His expression tender, he covered both of her hands with his other.
    “I’ve known ever since he left. But it hasn’t made it any easier.” Bendingforward, she pressed her cheek to Toby’s knuckles. “I’m sorry to have to say this to you. But it’s not fair to you for me not to be honest.”
    “I’m glad you told me.”
    “God will make me stronger. I know He will ease this pain. It just takes time, doesn’t it? I don’t want to ask you to walk with me through this—”
    “May I? May I be by your side through this?”
    Sweet Toby.
    “As your friend?”
    Though another tear slid down her cheek, she smiled.

    Then that’s what he would be. Her friend.
    His thoughts flew to Jebediah and their conversation in the barn. The moment he’d asked permission for Lonnie’s hand. But now, with her cold fingers inside his, and the honest confession she just poured out so graciously, Toby couldn’t imagine speaking the words. Confessing his desires. Not anytime soon.
    Though he’d intended to ask her on the ride home.
    To ask her to be his bride.
    He’d rehearsed how he would say it over and over. Scarcely sleeping a wink last night. Toby fought the urge to run a hand through his hair. Fighting his own desires. Lonnie needed people in her life who loved her. Who cared about her. Who would walk with her through the pain. Was he not willing to put his dreams on the shelf if it meant doing just that?
    He yearned for the future he’d imagined.
Perhaps someday
. That would be his constant prayer. But until that day, he wanted to be there for Lonnie. Wanted to help ease her pain. Even if in some small way.
    Something twisted within at the thought of her never being his. But he knew how selfish that was. He didn’t want Lonnie if it meant a life of sorrow for her. He wanted only to bring her joy. How he prayed that day would come.

Nine
    Lonnie popped the lid on a jar of stewed pumpkin specked with cinnamon and nutmeg, and spooned the aromatic gooiness into her bowl atop a pair of eggs and a splash of cream. At her side, Elsie rolled out a round of piecrust. Lonnie had always known this recipe by heart, but with her mind a whir, she paused and shoved back her sleeves, then realized she’d counted the eggs wrong. Lonnie muttered to herself.
    She felt Elsie watching her.
    Lonnie focused on what she was doing, careful not to slosh her apron as she stirred.
    “You’ve been mighty quiet since your outing with Toby the other day. Is everything all right?”
    Nodding slowly, Lonnie stirred the pie filling with all the care she would have given to threading a needle. She cracked a third egg and mixed it in gently.
    “Lonnie.”
    At Elsie’s tender tone, Lonnie stilled. She glanced up, and Elsie’s copper eyes met hers.
    But the words would not come.
    A gentle squeeze on her arm, and Elsie pulled Lonnie into a side hug. “Sweet girl, something is the matter. Lonnie, what’s happened? Did Toby … Did he finally …”
    “No.” She let go of the bowl.