Free Bitter Is the New Black: Confessions of a Condescending, Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smart-Ass, Or, Why You Should Never Carry a Prada Bag to the Unemployment Office : A Memoir by Jen Lancaster Page B
Authors: Jen Lancaster
day, all I have is my integrity.”
At ten, I didn’t understand what he meant.
But now I do. Dammit.
I have to do the right thing even though I REALLY, REALLY don’t want to. I sigh deeply and shake my head. “Courtney, we can’t.”
“Of course, we can—we’ll be heroes!”
“Read my lips: No. We. Can’t. We’re redoing the contract with the correct price.”
“But, but,” Courtney begins to protest.
“Believe me, W-H is going to be thrilled to spend so much less. If you need to save face to maintain the relationship, tell them we’ve done away with a per-user cost. Yes, it’s a lie, but it’s a $63,000 lie in their favor, so it’s OK.”
“They already said yes! They agreed to the price—they think it’s a fair deal!”
“We both know it isn’t.”
“But…”
I blame Courtney’s newly amorphous ethics on her relationship with Chad. Back in the Brad-days, 39 she would have never pulled something like this. “Enough with the buts. This is my decision, it’s the right thing to do, and I don’t care if you don’t like it.”
“Kathleen already signed off on the deal. She was really pleased about it and congratulated me for thinking outside the box.” Courtney is clearly conflicted.
Ugh, Kathleen again. Kathleen took over the Chicago office a few months ago when Will was fired. (The dumb ass left his résumé in the copy machine, and someone put it on the conference table the day all the VPs were here. 40 ) Although she was from the Chicago office, I didn’t know her very well. She worked for a different division of Corp. Com. and went on an extended maternity leave shortly after I joined the company. A few times last fall I noticed her napping in her office, but I assumed it was a side effect of a difficult pregnancy.
When she came on board a few months back, I was not disappointed. She was smart, creative, and unlike Will, not allergic to success. Finally, the AEs had a proven leader!
Right out of the gate, she was fantastic…totally strategic and motivated. Every Monday in our staff meeting, she had the most revolutionary thoughts about driving sales. She was so sharp I regretted privately questioning the company’s decision to hire a new mother; she blew every unflattering stereotype out of the water.
Naturally the salad days never last.
Not long into her tenure, she started going out with some of the account executives after work, getting sloppy drunk and pouring her heart out about the intimate details of her marital problems.
And then she started grad school.
Our once worthwhile staff meetings became a chance for her to trot out textbook management theories and ridiculous buzzwords. Suddenly, I had to rearrange my plans on a moment’s notice because Kathleen needed to discuss “paradigm shifts” and “synergistic methodologies” with us as a group. After having to cancel my third appointment in a week, I finally figured out the problem. Kathleen was using our team to do her homework assignments. Her statistics projects took precedence over sales forecasts, and her unpredictable emotional outbursts put everyone on edge. Uncomfortable! Then due to nanny issues, she started arriving late and leaving early.
Now, when I sit down with her, I get the distinct impression she’s out to get me. It feels like she’s gunning for me. You wouldn’t think she’d plot against her top producer; then again, it makes sense because I’m the only one who’s figured out how much she’s been slacking.
“I’m sure it was an oversight. Kathleen wouldn’t want us to rob our clients, right?” That bitch is SO trying to set me up. “Don’t worry. I’ll take care of it with her. Now give me the old contract so I can shred it while you generate a new one.”
I watch as my new couch turns to shards in the shredder, and I want to cry.
Shouldn’t doing the right thing feel good?
Operation Make More Money is in full swing! And were it not for my recent Luggage Emergency 41 my
At ten, I didn’t understand what he meant.
But now I do. Dammit.
I have to do the right thing even though I REALLY, REALLY don’t want to. I sigh deeply and shake my head. “Courtney, we can’t.”
“Of course, we can—we’ll be heroes!”
“Read my lips: No. We. Can’t. We’re redoing the contract with the correct price.”
“But, but,” Courtney begins to protest.
“Believe me, W-H is going to be thrilled to spend so much less. If you need to save face to maintain the relationship, tell them we’ve done away with a per-user cost. Yes, it’s a lie, but it’s a $63,000 lie in their favor, so it’s OK.”
“They already said yes! They agreed to the price—they think it’s a fair deal!”
“We both know it isn’t.”
“But…”
I blame Courtney’s newly amorphous ethics on her relationship with Chad. Back in the Brad-days, 39 she would have never pulled something like this. “Enough with the buts. This is my decision, it’s the right thing to do, and I don’t care if you don’t like it.”
“Kathleen already signed off on the deal. She was really pleased about it and congratulated me for thinking outside the box.” Courtney is clearly conflicted.
Ugh, Kathleen again. Kathleen took over the Chicago office a few months ago when Will was fired. (The dumb ass left his résumé in the copy machine, and someone put it on the conference table the day all the VPs were here. 40 ) Although she was from the Chicago office, I didn’t know her very well. She worked for a different division of Corp. Com. and went on an extended maternity leave shortly after I joined the company. A few times last fall I noticed her napping in her office, but I assumed it was a side effect of a difficult pregnancy.
When she came on board a few months back, I was not disappointed. She was smart, creative, and unlike Will, not allergic to success. Finally, the AEs had a proven leader!
Right out of the gate, she was fantastic…totally strategic and motivated. Every Monday in our staff meeting, she had the most revolutionary thoughts about driving sales. She was so sharp I regretted privately questioning the company’s decision to hire a new mother; she blew every unflattering stereotype out of the water.
Naturally the salad days never last.
Not long into her tenure, she started going out with some of the account executives after work, getting sloppy drunk and pouring her heart out about the intimate details of her marital problems.
And then she started grad school.
Our once worthwhile staff meetings became a chance for her to trot out textbook management theories and ridiculous buzzwords. Suddenly, I had to rearrange my plans on a moment’s notice because Kathleen needed to discuss “paradigm shifts” and “synergistic methodologies” with us as a group. After having to cancel my third appointment in a week, I finally figured out the problem. Kathleen was using our team to do her homework assignments. Her statistics projects took precedence over sales forecasts, and her unpredictable emotional outbursts put everyone on edge. Uncomfortable! Then due to nanny issues, she started arriving late and leaving early.
Now, when I sit down with her, I get the distinct impression she’s out to get me. It feels like she’s gunning for me. You wouldn’t think she’d plot against her top producer; then again, it makes sense because I’m the only one who’s figured out how much she’s been slacking.
“I’m sure it was an oversight. Kathleen wouldn’t want us to rob our clients, right?” That bitch is SO trying to set me up. “Don’t worry. I’ll take care of it with her. Now give me the old contract so I can shred it while you generate a new one.”
I watch as my new couch turns to shards in the shredder, and I want to cry.
Shouldn’t doing the right thing feel good?
Operation Make More Money is in full swing! And were it not for my recent Luggage Emergency 41 my
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