Free The Princess Bride by William Goldman Page A

he was an eternal optimist, so he kept the great cage of the fifth level always in readiness.
    And there was really more than enough that was lethal on the other four levels to keep a man happy. The Prince would sometimes choose his prey by luck—he had a great wheel with a spinner and on the outside of the wheel was a picture of every animal in the Zoo and he would twirl the spinner at breakfast, and wherever it stopped, the albino would ready that breed. Sometimes he would choose by mood: “I feel quick today; fetch me a cheetah” or “I feel strong today, release a rhino.” And whatever he requested, of course, was done.
    He was ringing down the curtain on an orangutan when the business of the King’s health made its ultimate intrusion. It was midafternoon, and the Prince had been grappling with the giant beast since morning, and finally, after all these hours, the hairy thing was weakening. Again and again, the monkey tried to bite, a sure sign of failure of strength in the arms. The Prince warded off the attempted bites with ease, and the ape was heaving at the chest now, desperate for air. The Prince made a crablike step sidewise, then another, then darted forward, spun the great beast into his arms, began applying pressure to the spine. (This was all taking place in the ape pit, where the Prince had his pleasure with any simians.) From up above now, Count Rugen’s voice interrupted. “There is news,” the Count said.
    From battle, the Prince replied. “Cannot it wait?”
    “For how long?” asked the Count.
    C
   R
      A
         C
            K
    The orangutan fell like a rag doll. “Now, what is all this,” the Prince replied, stepping past the dead beast, mounting the ladder out of the pit.
    “Your father has had his annual physical,” the Count said. “I have the report.”
    “And?”
    “Your father is dying.”
    “Drat!” said the Prince. “That means I shall have to get married.”

    Three - THE COURTSHIP

    Four of them met in the great council room of the castle. Prince Humperdinck, his confidant, Count Rugen, his father, aging King Lotharon, and Queen Bella, his evil stepmother.
    Queen Bella was shaped like a gumdrop. And colored like a raspberry. She was easily the most beloved person in the kingdom, and had been married to the King long before he began mumbling. Prince Humperdinck was but a child then, and since the only stepmothers he knew were the evil ones from stories, he always called Bella that or “E. S.” for short.
    “All right,” the Prince began when they were all assembled. “Who do I marry? Let’s pick a bride and get it done.”
    Aging King Lotharon said, “I’ve been thinking it’s really getting to be about time for Humperdinck to pick a bride.” He didn’t actually so much say that as mumble it: “I’ve beee mumbbble mumbbble Humpmummmble engamumble.”
    Queen Bella was the only one who bothered ferreting out his meanings any more. “You couldn’t be righter, dear,” she said, and she patted his royal robes.
    “What did he say?”
    “He said whoever we decided on would be getting a thunderously handsome prince for a lifetime companion.”
    “Tell him he’s looking quite well himself,” the Prince returned.
    “We’ve only just changed miracle men,” the Queen said. “That accounts for the improvement.”
    “You mean you fired Miracle Max?” Prince Humperdinck said. “I thought he was the only one left.”
    “No, we found another one up in the mountains and he’s quite extraordinary. Old, of course, but then, who wants a young miracle man?”
    “Tell him I’ve changed miracle men,” King Lotharon said. It came out: “Tell mumble mirumble mumble.”
    “What did he say?” the Prince wondered.
    “He said a man of your importance couldn’t marry just any princess.”
    “True, true,” Prince Humperdinck said. He sighed. Deeply. “I suppose that means Noreena.”
    “That would certainly be a perfect match