Free Monte Cassino by Sven Hassel Page B

thoughtfully turned the pages. With a comical movement he placed his chipped monocle in his eye.
    "Let me see, now. Incest," he turned a few more pages. "Theft of army property. Falsification of documents, Hauptfeld--no, Oberleutnant Hi ... Rape, abuse of minors . . ."
    Hoffman opened and shut his mouth several times. He didn't understand.
    Porta went on, thoughtfully: "Fraud, false declaration, paternity case--that's Stabsintendant Meissner. What a swine. He'll end in Torgau." Porta turned the pages eagerly. Then he gazed at Hoffman with a resigned look: "Beg to report that my intelligence service has informed me that Herr Oberst Engel, who passes his time as IIA of the Divisional Staff, a week ago won 10,000 marks at HQ guessing the numbers on 100-mark notes. At the same time, they planned the attack that we are lying here waiting to start. This is confidential, Herr Hauptfeldwebel. The attack is Top Secret. They bandaged the eyes of the regiment's mascot, a nanny goat, which was present during the discussions, and put cotton wool in its ears, so that it wouldn't give things away, if it met a billy. Oberst Engel is a dog at guessing the numbers. He gets them right every time." Porta tugged the lobe of his ear and offered Hauptfeldwebel Hoffman a pinch of snuff from a silver snuff box.
    Hoffman declined angrily and his face became suffused with purple.
    "Incredible the things you hear," Porta went on genially. "This morning I heard that a certain Hauptfeldwebel in our honourable Special Duties Regiment had sent some parachute silk back home to his wife."
    Hoffman'
    "Ober-Ober- Obergefreiter Porta," he stuttered, "something's going to happen. By God, it is. This can't go on." He turned round and ran out in a teetering zig-zag. The last thing he heard was Porta saying to the Legionnaire: "Now we'll soon have a new Hauptfeldwebel."
    "How did you make all that up?" the Old Man asked, amazed.
    "Make up," snorted Porta. "Facts aren't things you make up. Make a note of that, Herr Feldwebel Beier. It's just that I keep my eyes open. If you are to survive in a civilised country, you'd best know something to the detriment of your fellows, then you can rely on them. There's no one who hasn't some shady thing in his past, whether he's emperor or louse. Take yourself, for example, Old Man. Do you believe that everything Adolf does is right? You think him a pretty good bugger, don't you?"
    "Of course," said the Old Man.
    Porta grinned, fished his black book out of his pocket and made a careful note in it.
    "That .was a bad mark against you, and only the total defeat of Germany's arms can wash you clean of it. If I was you, I'd go to our padre and get him to help you pray for the speedy entry of the American marines into Berlin." Then he produced his flute and we all sang: To Hell with Hitler and all the Nazi baiters Wipe your arse with the swastika flag And open your arms to all good traitors
    "You're crazy," Marlow laughed. "Hoffman will get his own back."
    Porta gave the cat in the parrot cage a piece of sausage.
    "If he comes back, it will be to join the game. From now on he'll lick my boots, if I want. Have you seen his green cushion with horns on that he's so fond of? He'll make me a present of that tomorrow."
    "Fancy you've never been made feldwebel," Marlow muttered admiringly.
    "Idiot! As obergefreiter I'm the army's spinal column. It's me decides whether my immediate superior shall have toothache, lumbago or what. When we were in the Ukraine, we were saddled with a hauptmann called Meyer, an upstart village school master. He died."
    "What happened to him?" Gregor Martin asked, curious.
    "He happened to out his broad bum on a T-mine," Porta said genially. "Come along, stake your money. One green dollar to a thousand Hitler units."
    "Will you take Churchill money?" Gregor Martin asked.
    "Of course, as long as it started life in the Bank of England. As far as I am concerned, you can stake yen roubles, zlotys or kroner. The rate is