Free Somebody Tell Aunt Tillie We're In Trouble! (The Toad Witch Mysteries Book 2) by Christiana Miller Page B

soup were at the top of my list of cravings.
    “Why do we need to celebrate Misrule now, anyway? Why can’t we wait until after Christmas, like normal pagans?”
    “It’s not Misrule. It’s Gus’s Rule. You came up with it. I like it. We’re keeping it.”
    “So… we celebrate Gus’s Rule now and Misrule after Christmas?”
    “Nope. Sorry, love. Forrest is taking me on a trip to Hawaii after Christmas. So, celebrate Gus’s Rule with me now, or not at all.”
    My jaw dropped. “You just got back from being out of town!”
    “Life is short, Miss Thing. I intend to live it to the fullest.”
     
    Gus went to check on a delicious-smelling leg of lamb in the stove. Seeing my opportunity to get into the fridge and add something chocolate to my plate, I slid off the chair and walked over to check out the contents.
    Dang it. Not only was the sandwich bread gone, so was my chocolate stash, ice cream, frozen pancakes, American cheese, hot dogs, frozen french fries, chicken nuggets, ice cream toppings and maraschino cherries.
    I searched through the cabinets. No creamy hazelnut chocolate spread, no ramen noodles, no mac and cheese, no potato chips, no cheesy puffs, no cookies.
    “Are you kidding me?!” I said, practically screaming. “Is that why you didn’t want me in the fridge? So I wouldn’t see that everything was gone? Did you leave me anything! ?”
    “What are you talking about? This kitchen is filled with healthy stuff. Protein, dairy, fruit, vegetables and legumes.”
    “I want my faux food back!”
    “Processed sugar, salt and fat are not only addictive, they’re toxic. Your body is your temple. Stop desecrating it.”
    I glared at him. “You’re taking your life in your hands, getting between a pregnant lady and her comfort food.”
    “I’m doing it for your own good. Besides, even if you’re too stubborn to realize how right I am, your baby will be thanking me the minute it comes out of the womb. ‘t hank you, MacDaddy Gus, thank you for saving me from that crazy lady’s food addiction’ .”
    I snorted. “My baby’s going to kick your ass for depriving her of chocolate. Did you feed the dogs? Or did you toss their food out too?”
    “Of course I fed the monsters. I’m all about self-preservation. Last thing I need is them gnawing on my arm because they’re feeling peckish. Is that all you wanted?”
    “No.” I poured myself a glass of milk, liberated a giant wedge of Jarlsberg Swiss cheese and filled Gus in on the argument with Paul.
    “Screw him,” Gus said, wiping his hands on a kitchen towel. “Put me down on the birth certificate, instead.”
     

Chapter 18
    “W hat? Really? Wow.” Gus wanted to be my kid’s dad? That totally took me by surprise.
    “Why not?” he asked. “Unlike wuss-boy, I’ve always wanted a demon witch baby. And if it’s born with horns, that’s a bonus. Paul can go fuck himself.”
    I nodded. “Let me think about it.”
    And I did. And I realized that actually, I was okay with Gus being my baby’s MacDaddy. Even if Aunt Tillie was on the fence about him. Which reminded me…
    “Aunt Tillie says put the weather back where it belongs or else. And she’s not too happy about the toad ritual either. She was all, ‘there are fates worse than death’-y about it.”
    Gus stopped stirring and gave me an annoyed look.
    “Don’t blame me. She’s the one who’s freaking out. She says the weather thing’s going to bite us, and your plan for Grundleshanks will bring madness or death—at some point. She wasn’t clear on the timetable. But she sounded pretty pissed off. And a pissed-off Aunt Tillie is never a good thing.”
    “Sometimes I wonder,” he said, narrowing his eyes.
    “What does that mean?!” I asked, indignant.
    “Nothing.” He went back to stirring. Then he stopped. “I just think it’s odd that you’re the only one who can see her anymore.”
    “I know. It’s totally odd.” I shrugged. “And she’s not being all poltergeisty