Free The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris Page B

threat that war will break out again. Think of India and Pakistan, with the constant threat of nuclear war, and the intense hostility between Hindus and Muslims.
    The third possibility is genuine peace. You acknowledge your differences and allow them just to be. This doesn’t get rid of the other country, nor does it mean that you necessarily like it or even want it there. Nor does it mean that you approve of its politics or religion. But because you’re no longer at war, you can now use your money and resources to build up the infrastructure of your own country, instead of squandering them on the battlefield.
    The first scenario, war, is like the struggle to get rid of unwanted thoughts and feelings. It’s a battle that can never be won and it consumes a huge amount of time and energy.
    The second scenario, a truce, is definitely better, but it’s still a long way from true acceptance. It’s more like a grudging tolerance; there’s no sense of moving forward to a new future. Although there is no active warfare, the hostility remains, and you are resigned to the ongoing tension. A grudging tolerance of thoughts and feelings is better than an outright struggle, but it leaves you feeling stuck and somewhat helpless. It’s a sense more of resignation than of acceptance, of entrapment rather than freedom, of being stuck rather than moving forward.
    The third scenario, peace, represents true acceptance. Notice that in this scenario your country doesn’t have to like the other country, approve of its being there, convert to its religion or learn to speak its language. You simply make peace with them. You acknowledge your differences, you give up trying to change their politics or religion, and you focus your efforts on making your own country a better place to live in. It’s the same when you truly accept your uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. You don’t have to like them, want them or approve of them; you simply make peace with them and let them be. This leaves you free to focus your energy on taking action—action that moves your life forward in a direction you value.
The True Meaning Of Acceptance
    Acceptance does not mean ‘putting up with’ or resigning yourself to anything. Acceptance is about embracing life, not merely tolerating it. Acceptance literally means ‘taking what is offered’. It doesn’t mean giving up or admitting defeat; it doesn’t mean just gritting your teeth and bearing it. It means fully opening yourself to your present reality—acknowledging how it is, right here and now, and letting go of the struggle with life as it is in this moment.
    But what if you want to improve your life and not just accept it as it is? Well, that’s the whole purpose of this book. But the most effective way to make changes in your life is to start by fully accepting it. Suppose you are walking across ice. In order to safely take the next step, you first need to find a firm foothold. If you try moving forward without doing that, then you’re likely to fall flat on your face.
    Acceptance is like finding that firm foothold. It’s a realistic appraisal of where your feet are and what condition the ground is in. It doesn’t mean that you like being in that spot, or that you intend to stay there. Once you have a firm foothold, you can take the next step more effectively. The more fully you accept the reality of your situation—as it is, here and now—the more effectively you can take action to change it.
    The Dalai Lama exemplifies this beautifully. He fully accepts that China has invaded Tibet and that he is forced to live in exile from his own country. He doesn’t waste time and energy in wishful thinking, getting outraged or dwelling morosely on what he’s lost. He knows that won’t help. Nor does he admit defeat or throw the whole issue into the ‘too-hard basket’. Instead he acknowledges that right now this is the way it is and at the same time he does everything in his power to help. He actively