Free Accidental Sorcerer by K. E. Mills Page B

Stuttley's will be yesterday's news. The minute you're off the hook you can come back, I'll retest your aptitudes myself and you can start again. Clean slate. Brand-new leaf.'
    Gerald tried not to resent 'another stupendous arse-up'. 'Overseas where, Monk? I'm not multilingual. I'm not even Mingual. And if you take the other day into account I don't speak wizard very well, either.'
    'Yes, but I don't take the other day into account,' Monk said briskly. 'And you don't need to be multilingual. Practically everyone speaks Ottish these days, and the people who don't aren't the kind of people you need to worry about.'
    He was looking demonically cheerful: a dangerous sign.
    Gerald watched him leap up from the table again and rummage through his briefcase. 'What are you doing?'
    'Getting this week's
Orb!
said Monk.'Catch!'
    He snatched the magazine out of the air. Errol Haythwaite was on the cover, smirking about his invitation to join the Masterful Company. His fingers itched for a pen so he could indulge in some juvenile disfiguring ...
    Monk flopped back into his chair. 'You haven't read it yet?'
    In the never-ending struggle to make ends meet he'd stopped buying the
Wizarding Orb
as soon as he'd started working for the Department. There'd always been a copy floating round the tea room. 'No.'
    'Well don't just sit there admiring Errol's haircut. What jobs are on offer?'
    He flipped to the Positions Vacant section and quickly scanned it. 'None that'll suit me, I'll guarantee you. Face it, Monk, there's not exactly a huge demand for Third Grade wizards. Especially ones with a talent for blowing things up.'
    'Stop being so defeatist. Here. Let me look.' Monk grabbed the magazine. 'Bloody hell,' he muttered after a quick perusal. 'They don't want much, do they? Second Grade or above, with a minimum ten years' experience - demonstrated talent for cloud manipulations and seed propagation - good with children -'
    The familiar tide of despair was rising again. 'See? I told you. It's hopeless. I mean, good with children? Ha! Five minutes after I met the Brierly twins I wanted to strangle them.'
    Monk looked at him. 'Gerald, five minutes after she met the Brierly twins my
mother
wanted to strangle them. And coming from the woman who gave birth to Aylesbury that's saying something.' Scowling, he kept on reading. 'What's this one? "Prefer someone with connections to royalty." Well, I trod on a visiting prince regents toes at a ball last Wizard Eve, does that count?'
    Disconsolate. Gerald poked his fork into his now lukewarm dinner and half-heartedly tried another mouthful. 'It's no use. I just have to face facts, Monk. It was fun while it lasted but -'
    'Ah
haY
Monk stabbed the
Orb
with his finger. 'Here we go! This one's got your name written all over it!'
    He dropped his fork, treacherous hope flaring. 'What? Which one? Where? Show me.'
    Ignoring him, Monk began to read. '"Wanted: Wizard. His Most Esteemed and Sovereign Majesty King Lional the Forty-third -"'
    Hope died. 'Markham! Have you completely lost your mind? What king is going to want me?'
    Monk lifted his gaze for a brief glower then kept on reading. "'- the Forty-third, sovereign ruler of New Ottosland, requires the services of an honest and upright wizard. Grading irrelevant and no experience necessary. Personality more important than pedigree. Must be flexible, adaptable and willing to muck in. Fondness for butterflies an advantage. To apply call crystal ball vibration blah blah blah".'
    Gerald snorted. 'Very funny Monk. Kick a bloke while he's down, why don't you. Fondness for butterflies? That's low, that's really low'
    'Here,' said Monk, offended, and threw the
Orb
at him.'Read it yourself if you don't believe me.'
    After a moment's undignified hunting and pecking through the columns he found the advertised position. Monk hadn't been kicking him when he was down. The ridiculous job was right there in black and white. He looked up.
'New
Ottosland?'
    'Our one and only colony.