Free Interview With a Jewish Vampire by Erica Manfred Page A

Maybe vampires. It’s probably just superstition, but you never know.” He gave a ghoulish laugh to see how the kids on the tour were reacting. They had been pretty bored so far but they perked up at the word vampire. Even fundamentalist Christian kids weren’t immune to the gospel according to Stephenie Meyer.
    “ Unholy creatures,” one of the suits said vehemently. “They should be burned at the stake.”
    “ You just need the stake, not the bonfire, I believe,” I said to him sarcastically. “Don’t be ridiculous. There’s no such thing as vampires.”
    “ That’s the place he pointed out during the last tour. He seems to have conveniently forgotten,” Karen whispered to us. “We’ll go back there tonight. But let’s finish the tour. I’d hate to miss the deli lunch.”
    By the time we got to the deli I fell into the chair, exhausted. That was a hell of a long tour. Unfortunately today’s Hasidim may speak Yiddish but they know nothing about real Jewish food. I was hoping to get some good kosher food, but the pastrami was dried out and the corned beef was worse. The bagels were the big puffy kind, not the little chewy old-fashioned ones. You have to go to Katz’s on the Lower East Side for real pastrami.
     
     
    That night we took the subway back to Brooklyn and braved the streets in Crown Heights, which looked much less Jewish as the sun was setting. Crown Heights was still the ghetto. When we got to St. Marks Avenue I relaxed since it was across from the 77th Precinct. We could always yell and maybe a cop would come running. Or maybe not. Why, I wondered, were streets named after saints, especially in this neighborhood. Why not Rabbi Akiva Avenue or Golda Meir Boulevard? Harlem had Martin Luther King Boulevard or W. E. B. DuBois Avenue. The building in question looked even more ominous at dusk, with those black curtains and a stoop that looked like no one ever sat on it.
    “ Can we go home now?” Charlene’s voice quavered.
    “ C’mon, you big sissy.” I wasn’t easily scared especially when this close to possibly finding Sheldon. “You’re six feet tall and know karate and kickboxing.” Charlene was always taking the latest aerobic fad. “What’re you so afraid of?”
    “ Things that go bump in the night, more than getting mugged. Though that’s crossed my mind as well. That building might have some nasty vampires along with your de-fanged boyfriend.”
    “ Get a grip,” Karen chided Charlene. “We’re big bad witches remember. We can always cast a spell.”
    “ Spell?” Charlene squeaked. “I don’t know any spells against vampires. Do you?”
    “ How about the divine light invocation?”
    “ What’s that?” I asked. Charlene also looked bewildered.
    “ OK here’s what we do just in case,” Karen instructed.
    “ Raise your arms, hold your breath and affirm to yourself with all the concentration possible:
     
    I am sustained by Divine Light
    I am protected by Divine Light
    I am surrounded by Divine Light
     
    “ Now use your imagination to see yourself standing in a shower of brilliant white Light. If that doesn’t work run across the street and into the precinct, shouting, vampires are after me. At the worst you’ll get locked up in Bellevue.”
    “ It’s freezing,” I said, all of a sudden noticing that we were standing on the street shivering. “We can’t just loiter in the street. Women do not loiter in this neighborhood. We’ll probably get arrested for prostitution.”
    “ Three nice Jewish girls like us?” Charlene said.
    “ You’re not Jewish,” I reminded her.
    “ Two and a half nice Jewish girls. I’m Jewish by association. It’s catching.”
    Karen laughed. “I’m not Jewish either. I’m a nice Italian girl, Catholic of course, but since I’m a New Yorker I’m Jewish. You remember what Lennie Bruce said, ‘If you live in New York, you’re Jewish, and if you live in the Midwest you’re a wasp—well I’m a native New Yorker.”
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