Free The DNA of Relationships by Gary Smalley, Greg Smalley, Michael Smalley, Robert S. Paul Page B

overstatements or enlarge your words beyond bounds or the truth.
Tantrums
You have fits of bad temper.
Denial
You refuse to admit the truth or reality.
Invalidation
You devalue your spouse; you do not appreciate who your partner is, what he or she feels or thinks or does.
Defensiveness
Instead of listening, you defend yourself by providing an explanation.
Clinginess
You develop a strong emotional attachment or dependence on your spouse.
Passive–aggressive
You display negative emotions, resentment, and aggression in passive ways, such as procrastination and stubbornness.
Caretaking
You become responsible for others by giving physical or emotional care and support to the point you are doing everything for your spouse, and your partner does nothing to care for himself or herself.
Acting out
You engage in negative behaviors like drug or alcohol abuse, extramarital affairs, excessive shopping, or overeating.
Over-functioning
You do what others should be doing, and you take responsibility for them.
Fix-it mode
You focus almost exclusively on what is needed to solve the problem.
Complaining
You express unhappiness or make accusations.
Aggression or abuse
You become verbally or physically aggressive, possibly abusive.
Manipulation
You control your spouse for your own advantage.
Anger and rage
You display strong feelings of displeasure or violent and uncontrolled emotions.
Catastrophize
You use dramatic, exaggerated expressions to depict that the relationship is in danger or that it has failed.
Numbing out
You become devoid of emotion, or you have no regard for others’ needs or troubles.
    We All Do the Fear Dance
The Fear Dance happens in every relationship because all of us have inherited the sinful legacy of the Garden. And it doesn’t take long to get going. The Fear Dance can move into full swing in mere moments. How quick and subtle it is!
    A friend of mine, Scott, has a four-year-old daughter, Shelby, and a twenty-month-old son, Hayden. Even the youngest member of Scott’s family has danced the steps of the Fear Dance.
    “Right now,” Scott says, “I am the ‘flavor of the month.’ People who have kids understand what I mean. Sometimes you’re the flavor; sometimes your wife is the flavor; and sometimes neither one of you is the flavor (it may be the neighbor). Right now, I am the flavor for my son. Regardless of what happens—whether he gets hurt or if he’s happy or if he feels sad—he comes to me first.
    “My wife, Jen, has noticed this. She’s aware, of course, that the ‘flavor’ choices ebb and flow. But she feels hurt when she wants Hayden to hug her but instead he just grunts—and then runs to me.
    “Last night Hayden hit his head and ran over to me. Jen walked over and said to him, ‘Oh, do you want Mommy to kiss it?’
    “He grunted at her.
    “ ‘Do you want Mommy to give you love?’ Jen asked.
    “Grunt!
    “In those few moments,” Scott said, “I saw a dynamic develop between the two of them. They started into the Fear Dance. Now, what could a twenty-month-old fear? Well, already he’s starting to get into little power struggles with his parents. He wants things his way. Last night he feared that he was going to have to do it his mom’s way. He could feel the pull from Jen to get him to do what she wanted him to do, and he reacted against it by grunting. Notice that grunting is not on the list of reactions, but toddlers are creative, right? The more that Jen felt rejected, the more Hayden tapped into her core fear: ‘My son doesn’t love me.’”
    Of course, no mom likes to feel rejected, whether with words or with grunts. And the more Jen felt that fear, the more she pursued her son to get him to fulfill her want and relieve her fear. So what did Jen do?
    “Our daughter was walking by,” Scott explained, “and Jen said to her, ‘Shelby, do you want me to give you love?’ Shelby’s a sucker for that stuff. So our daughter dove onto Jen on the couch, and my wife started cuddling