Free A Tiger in Eden by Chris Flynn Page A

actually, sure I caught one of them fancier coaches one time and near froze my bollocks off. They had the aircon pumping it was like a fucking meat locker or something in there, all the westerners like me were in shorts and T-shirts and the Thais had to hand out blankets to keep people warm, it was fucking stupid so it was, sure the sun was belting down outside, just turn it down fuck sake I says but they wouldn’t. I couldn’t see the sense in it for the life of me.
    The local buses were better as they took their time and went down the back roads so at least you got to see a bit of the aul countryside. Plus there was no backpackers on them only locals that were all curious about us, theydidn’t understand why we weren’t on the coaches. We tried explaining to them that this way was loads cheaper and more interesting but they just didn’t get it, sure they think all westerners are loaded with money, one aul cunt asked Olly what sort of car did he drive in his country a BMW or Mercedes, he just laughed and goes, a bicycle what do you take me for, the aul bastard nearly died he couldn’t believe we didn’t have Ferraris and speedboats and villas on the Côte d’ fucking Azur.
    I actually do have a vintage Mercedes in storage, Olly goes to me later, not that I’ll ever see it again.
    Aye I says, whispering to him, my boss gave me his 5 Series Beemer when he got a new one but I had to torch the cunt, fucking blood all over the back seat, even Mr Muscle couldn’t get that out.
    Some of the towns we stopped at were pure shite and there was nothing worth seeing or doing at all, no wonder they weren’t in the aul Lonely Planet but others were all right, at least they had a night market where you could get some good scran though finding skirt to satisfy Olly’s yellow fever was a bit harder so to speak. I don’t know why they call it yellow fever actually, I never met no one from anywhere in Asia who looked yellow to me sure I had darker skin than most of them, it’s just fucking aul racist talk I suppose, probably the English started it. Anyway the bus journeys were always a laugh, Olly would go and sit next to some Thai woman and try to chat her up, he must of done some of their heads in. I’d just sit and read my book and mind my own businesswhilst he got slapped in the mouth for sliding his hand up some girl’s skirt at the back of the bus.
    The best was when these two aul ladies got on, sure we knew straightaway they’d been on the game you could just tell but they were well past retirement age now. They spotted us and came over to sit down they spoke English pretty good and they were a laugh, they wanted to practise their phrases probably so’s they could do a bit of business sort of thing. The one that was sitting beside me produces an aul phrasebook, it was ancient so it was, it didn’t even call the country Thailand it said Siam which was what the place was called until Hitler come along. It was like from the forties or something written for the western gentleman, fucking hilarious so it was, she gave it to me and then fell asleep on my shoulder like I was her fucking husband or something.
    I flicked through and near pished myself laughing at the phrases they thought a man about town might need back then. It wasn’t like one of them French phrasebooks they have in schools, où est la piscine and all that shite, this was getting down to business. I would like to enjoy myself with a woman, can you get one for me? it says, aye right enough I was thinking, at least they’re honest. When will the Third World War break out? Fuck sake, sure when this was written the second one was still on and here they are worrying about the third and besides what would some Thai fella in the street know about that? How’re you supposed to answer that in 1943? Not for another couple of years probably pal don’t worryabout it, anyway do you want to go and see a woman fire ping-pong balls out her snatch, you do, right just down