Free Snuff Fiction by Robert Rankin Page B

contained within so little clothes. She glanced down at our stockinged feet and then up at our stockinged faces.
    ‘Why are you wearing those?’ she asked.
    Chico shrugged. ‘It was the gringo’s idea,’ he said.
    ‘You lying bastard.’ I pulled off my stocking. ‘You said we had to come in disguise.’
    ‘Only if you’re famous,’ said Chico’s aunty. ‘Are you famous?’ I shook my head.
    ‘Don’t get nits on my carpet.’ ‘Sorry.’
    ‘And you’ve got lard in your hair.’
    ‘The gringo wants a long-legged woman,’ said Chico.
    ‘I’ve just reached puberty this morning,’ I explained. ‘I don’t want to waste any time.’
    Chico’s aunty smiled the kind of smile that you normally see only on the face of a road-kill. ‘Can’t wait to try out your pecker,’ said she. ‘Think that the entire female species is nothing more than walking pussy, gagging for you to ram it right in.’
    ‘I wouldn’t put it quite that way,’ I said.
    ‘But, in essence, I’m correct?’
    ‘Oh yeah. In essence.’
    ‘You’d better open an account then. How much money have you got?’
    I dug about in my shorts. ‘About half a crown,’ I said.
    Chico’s aunty tut-tut-tutted. ‘You won’t get much for half a crown,’ she said between the tuts. ‘Let me have a look at the tariff.’ She took up a clipboard and examined it with care. I noticed how her finger ran from top down to the bottom. ‘Chicken,’ she said, finally. ‘For half a crown, a chicken.’
    ‘A
chicken?’
I said in horror.
    ‘It’s not just any old chicken. It’s a Swedish chicken. Specially trained in those arts which amuse men.
    ‘I don’t want to have it away with a chicken,’ I said. ‘And anyway, I’ve heard that joke.’
    ‘What joke is this?’
    ‘The one where the bloke walks into a brothel and he doesn’t have much money and the fellow in charge talks him into having it away with a chicken and the bloke is desperate and so he does, but the next day he’s walking along the street and he thinks, Hang about, I’ve been done here, I could have got a chicken cheaper in Sainsbury’s. So he goes back to complain and the fellow says to him, “All right, I’ll let you have something for free to make up,” and he’s shown to this darkened room where there’s all these other blokes looking through a one-way mirror at this incredible orgy going on. And he has a good look too and then he says to this other bloke there, “That was incredible, wasn’t it?” And the other bloke says, “If you think that was incredible you should have been here yesterday—”’
    ‘There was a bloke in there with a chicken,’ said Chico’s aunty.
    ‘Oh, you’ve heard it too.’
    ‘No, I was only guessing.’
    ‘Well, I’m
not
having sex with a chicken,’ I said. ‘And that’s that.’ Chico’s aunty grinned another cadaverous grin and set her clipboard aside. ‘I was only testing,’ she said. ‘Just to see whether there was any decency in you. I’m pleased to see that there is. Would you care for a cup of tea?’
    ‘That would be very nice, thank you.’
    Chico’s aunty called for tea and this was presently brought. I was quite amazed by the teapot. All sheathed in leather it was, with spikes on the handle and studs all round the top.
    ‘For very special clients,’ she explained.
    Chico swaggered off to the Laundromat to watch the socks go round and I spent a pleasant hour in his aunty’s company. She told me a lot about women and put me right on a great many things. Women are not sex objects, she told me. They are people too and must be respected.
No
does not mean
yes,
even if you’ve had ten pints of beer. You should never fart in front of women. Always wait until they’ve had their turn. [4] And countless other things, which I must say have helped me a lot over the years in what dealings I’ve had with the opposite sex. I do not believe that I’ve ever been a selfish lover, nor have I ever been disloyal. I have