Free When I Say No, I Feel Guilty by Manuel J. Smith Page B

human right is being violated? One way we all know, unfortunately, is after the fact; when you say to yourself: “I don’t know how it happened, but I’ve got that uncomfortable, queasy feeling that I’ve been had.” This after-the-fact feeling, again unfortunately, is not much help to you for future coping except that we tend to avoid people who are consistently associated with our “being had.” To help you recognize that you are being manipulated when you are being manipulated, this chapter lists the most common ways other people will use to manipulate you and your everyday assertive rights in those situations.
    ASSERTIVE RIGHT II
You have the right to
offer no reasons
or excuses to
justify your
behavior .
    As with the remaining assertive rights listed in this chapter, the right not to give reasons for what you do is derived from your prime assertive right to be the ultimate judge of all you are and do. If you are your ownultimate judge, you do not need to explain your behavior to someone else for them to decide if it is right, wrong, correct, incorrect, or whatever tag they want to use. Of course, other people always have the assertive option to tell you they do not like what you are doing. You then have the option to disregard their preferences, or work out a compromise, or respect their preferences and change your behavior completely. But if you are your own ultimate judge, other people do not have the right to manipulate your behavior and feelings by demanding reasons from you in order to convince you that you are wrong. The childish belief that underlies this type of manipulation goes something like this: You should explain your reasons for your behavior to other people since you are responsible to them for your actions. You should justify your actions to them . An everyday use of this manipulative belief is seen, for example, when a salesclerk asks a customer who is returning a pair of shoes: “Why don’t you like these shoes?” (Unspoken: it seems unusual for someone not to like these shoes.) With this question the salesclerk is making a judgment for the customer that she should have a reason for not liking the shoes that is satisfactory to him. If the customer lets the salesclerk decide that there must be some reason for not liking the shoes, she will feel ignorant. Feeling ignorant, the customer will likely feel compelled to explain why she doesn’t like the shoes. If she does give reasons, she allows the salesclerk to give her equally valid reasons why she should like them. Depending upon who can think up the most reasons, she or the salesclerk, she will probably finish by keeping a pair of shoes she doesn’t like, as the following manipulative dialogue points out:
    SALESCLERK : Why don’t you like these shoes?
    CUSTOMER : They’re the wrong shade of magenta.
    SALESCLERK : Nonsense, dear! This is just the color you need to match your toenail polish!
    CUSTOMER : But they are too loose and the heel straps keep falling down.
    SALESCLERK : We can fix that by putting in arch pads. They are only $3.95.
    CUSTOMER : But they are too tight in the instep.
    SALESCLERK : Simple to fix! I’ll take them in the back right now and stretch them a little.
    If the customer makes her own decision on whether or not she requires an answer to the “why” question, she is more likely to respond simply by stating the facts of the situation: “No reason, I just don’t like the shoes.”
    People whom I teach to be assertive, invariably ask, “How can I refuse to give reasons to a friend when he asks for them? He won’t like that.” My answer is a series of provocative questions in reply: “How come your friend is requiring you to give reasons to explain your behavior?” “Is that a condition of his friendship, that you allow him to make decisions about the appropriateness of your behavior?” “If you don’t give him a reason for not lending him your car, is that all that is required to end your