Free Larkin's Letters by Jax Jillian Page B

face. I miss your smile. I miss your furrowed brow when you look at me from across a room. I miss the way my heart flutters when I see your face. The way I am feeling right now, the way I am missing you, I now know that I love you, Ryan, and I think I always have. Love isn’t a big enough word to describe this paralyzing feeling that I have for you. And right now, I don’t understand it. Maybe one day I will. Maybe one day I will be able to let you into my soul so that maybe you can feel how much I love you.
     
    Ryan knew exactly what Larkin had meant. His heart was broken, and he could feel the pain with every breath he took, with every toss and turn, with every word he spoke, with every step he took. The pain was still fresh, still seeping through every pore in his body. This letter touched him in a way that none of the others had. He had loved her back then, too, and he hadn’t wanted to leave her. It killed him to leave her. If he had only known she had loved him, too, he would have never left.
    He remembered that day when they took a walk in the park after her treatment. He hadn’t told her yet that he had to go back to South Africa, and he couldn’t stay with her that week. As they sat on the park bench together, he couldn’t help but stare at her as her hair blew in the breeze. Despite what she had been through the past couple of months, he had thought she was more beautiful than ever. She was starting to lose her hair, and now she had to wear a wig. Her hair no longer rested past her shoulders. Instead, the wig fell just halfway between her neckline and shoulders, and the ends curled perfectly behind her ears. Her hair had been one length, but now she had bangs that swept across her forehead, complementing her heart-shaped face and her high cheekbones. She had rested her head on his shoulder, and he responded by putting his arm around her. As she rested her head on his shoulder, he proceeded to tell her about his inability to stay with her for the next three days and how his best friend Ian Marsico had offered to come stay with her until her parents came home. She never once took her head off his shoulder while he explained to her what was happening. He did take notice to the two times that she raised her hand up to her face to wipe her tears away, and each time he squeezed his arm around her a little tighter. She had never said a word. She had just nodded yes when he asked her if she was okay.
    “I’m so sorry, Larkin. I really am. I would give anything to be able to stay. I don’t want to be anywhere but here with you, I promise.” Again, she had said nothing, and again she had raised her hand to her face to wipe her tears.
    “Do you believe me, Larkin?” She had nodded yes, but her nod wasn’t good enough for him. He had felt helpless and angry. He had wanted more than anything to be there with her, but he didn’t know what else to do. He had actually felt himself feeling jealous that Ian was going to be there instead of him.
    Ryan guided Larkin up off the bench and back to the car. They had a two-hour ride ahead of them back to Somers Point. The clouds began to break even more, and the sun’s rays were getting warmer and warmer. Larkin still had not said much to Ryan since he told her he was not staying. The traffic was light on the normally jam-packed Atlantic City Expressway, so they were making good time. Halfway through the trip, Larkin had pulled out her manuscript and started to read from where she had finished when they drove to the hospital earlier in the day. As she had begun to read, Ryan had breathed a sigh of relief. She was reading to him, and that was a sign she was okay. More importantly, that was a sign they were okay.
    Ryan went to Los Angeles in 1995 when he was nineteen years old with very little money in his pocket and no contacts. He had built his career from scratch with a lot of good looks, a lot of talent, and a little bit of luck. He caught his first break when he met Ian