Free Sex & God: How Religion Distorts Sexuality by Darrel Ray Page B

reclaim virginity or innocence, it is simply religion’s attempt to inject guilt and control sexuality. Should the woman remarry, how does she communicate about her previous sexual experiences except in derogatory ways? All she learned and experienced from previous partners is by definition bad and wrong. Her new husband is her only sexual partner since she has renewed her virginity. It is an amazing mental gymnastic that only a religion or a schizophrenic could contrive.
    Of course, this insanity is not unique to women. I have known many Christian men who experience the male equivalent. Their sexual ideas and inhibitions are deeply rooted in religious doctrine and teachings. Catholic priests and nuns are among the best at teaching this. Those with the least experience in sex are also the ones perpetuating highly destructive ideas. The 1998 documentary
Sex in a Cold Climate
on the Irish Magdalene homes is instructive by documenting the incredibly cruel sexual messages and training of the Magdelene nuns.
    Here is what one woman wrote me several years ago:
    At 22, I married a good Catholic man and converted. I had been raised in a fairly non-religious home, but his religiosity seemed a part of the attraction at the time. It was something I had not seen or experienced before, and it held a certain attraction. We seemed to click in most areas. I liked his integrity and honesty. He had an air of confidence about him that just seemed to melt me. It was clear from the start that he was sexually inexperienced. While I was never promiscuous, I had been around the block a few times with a couple of other boyfriends. I wasn’t as uptight about sexas he was but figured he would loosen up after we got married. We did sleep together before we got married, but it was not that great. He seemed wracked with guilt about our premarital sex, so I stopped tempting him
.
    After we got married, it went south quickly. Our first night I decided to give him a treat and go down on him. Before we were married, he insisted on strictly missionary position and nothing else. I figured now that we are married, what we do in the bedroom is our business. Boy was I wrong! He nearly bit my head off when he figured out what I was getting ready to do. Little did I know I was committing a mortal sin. I had never heard any sermons that prohibited oral sex, and none of the premarital counseling we did with the Priest indicated it was wrong. Well, it was wrong as far as he was concerned. “Only prostitutes did that, my wife will never do that.” He couldn’t even say the word! That should have been my first clue. In three years of trying, I could never communicate with him about sex. He seemed totally uninterested in what I wanted and absolutely refused to relax and try something different once in a while. He responded to me like I was from outer space, if I suggested anything
.
    About three and a half years into the marriage, when I was totally sick of going to church and climbing the walls in sexual frustration, I discovered he was visiting prostitutes when he was out of town. I tried talking to him about it, but there was no talking as far as he was concerned. He was definitely embarrassed and contrite, but it didn’t change anything. I look back and think how stupid I was. All the signs were there, I just didn’t pay attention to them. We got divorced soon after
.
    This is not uncommon for religious newly-weds. An otherwise compatible couple finds they are utterly unable to communicate about sex or adjust their sexual styles and preferences. They cannot even grow and experiment together. Jesus is always watching and sin is always lurking.
    Among secularists, sex seems to be taken more in stride. In many cases, both have had several previous partners and communicating about what they like and want, while awkward at first, does not seem to be a major problem. The evidence for this comes from my own survey research and clinical experience. Those raised secular