Free Madness In Maggody by Madness in Maggody Page A

no doubt expecting to be carried heavenward for a round of applause from the saints and angels.
    Estelle patted my arm. "Don't worry about her, Arly. She can't insist that Jim Bob fire you just because you're coaching a baseball team."
    Ruby Bee came around the bar and started patting my other arm. "Why, that's blackmail. She can't do that."
    "She can't walk on water, either, but she'll be the last to admit it," I said. "Just how did she hear about this team and the name of the coach?"
    "How would I know?" Ruby Bee said, retreating.
    "Because," I said, advancing, "having her tell me I can't coach is about the only incentive that might make me change my mind."
    "Is that so?"
    "And you damn well know it," I continued. "This is a really cheap trick, and—"
    "Yanking his pud?" Hammet said, giving me a puzzled frown. "Is that what she was so all-fired mad about?"
    From the expressions on Ruby Bee's and Estelle's faces, I sensed it was time to leave for greener pastures. "Hey, I've got a box with three real bullets in it, Hammet. Let's stop at the PD to play with them before we go after the speeders."
    "If'n all he was doin' was yanking his—"
    "Ciao," I said brightly.
     
    *****
     
    "You realize you can't repeat a word of this," Elsie McMay began, giving Millicent McIlhaney a serious look. "It was told to me in the strictest confidence, and it can't go any further. You've got to promise me, Millicent."
    "I promise," Millicent said obediently. "In fact, let me make sure Darla Jean's still on the telephone. Those girls do nothing but gossip from dawn till dark; you'd think they could find something better to do with their time. Help yourself to more coffee, Elsie. I'll be back in a minute."
    She tiptoed to the top of the stairs. She could hear Darla Jean's voice through the closed door, just bubbling away like a creek, and it wasn't difficult to hear what she was saying, especially if you put your ear against the door.
    Millicent was frowning as she came back into the kitchen and sat down across from Elsie. "I swear," she said, shaking her head, "I just don't know what gets into those girls. Sometimes I want to turn Darla Jean over my knee and spank her like she was back in pigtails. She's up there repeating the nastiest stories about folks, and she knows perfectly well that half of what she's saying is nothing more than lies."
    "School starts up pretty soon, and she'll be more interested in clothes and football games and the new television shows," Elsie said. Even though there was no need for it, she leaned forward and lowered her voice. "Lottie told me the most horrifying story the other day. I was so upset, I couldn't stop thinking about it half the night. I tossed and turned like I was in a clothes dryer, and my sheets were damp the next morning."
    "You'd better tell me, then. It'll do you a world of good to share your burden."
    "Remember, this is just between you and me. Not one word to anybody."
    "I already promised, Elsie," Millicent said impatiently. "Not one word will ever leave this room."

5
     
    The officially tentative lineup of the Ruby Bee's Flamingos—because, as we've all been told since birth, you can't tell the players without a scorecard:
    Pitcher: Raimundo "Ray" Mandozes, the only team member who can throw the ball in the general direction he intends. Ray does not speak any English whatsoever (we're talking nada) but did recognize the word spic and promptly convinced Georgie McMay of his folly in saying it aloud.
    Catcher: Saralee Chewink, the only team member to have caught the ball thus far. Saralee is on the chunky side, with tight yellow braids, glasses, and glittering braces. She spent a good deal of time casting thoughtful looks at Hammet. She persuaded Georgie to avoid sexist slurs in the future.
    First Base: Hammet Buchanon, who can neither throw nor catch but has enthusiasm. He actively discouraged Georgie from discussing the delicate issue of illegitimacy in Stump County. Hammet spent most of the