Free I Love Lucy: The Untold Story by Jess Oppenheimer, Gregg Oppenheimer Page B

her order:
     
MUSIC.  (Bridge.)  
    SOUND.  (Restaurant noises establish and fade under.)
    LIZ.  Oh, there they are. (Up.) Yoo hoo, Iris!  Mr. Atterbury!
    GEORGE.  I hope they’re not angry about waiting. Hiya, folks.
    RUDOLPH.  (Fading in slightly.) Hello, Liz.  ...Hello, George, Boy.
    IRIS.  Hello, George.  ..Hello, Liz, Girl.
    LIZ.  I’m sorry we’re late.  Well, let’s get some menus and order.  I wonder what’s good?
    RUDOLPH.  Try the roast beef.  It was delicious.
    LIZ.  You— You’ve eaten already?
    IRIS.  No, he’s fooling.  Ha ha, Rudolph, now shut up!
    RUDOLPH.  I’m hungry.
    LIZ.  Well, let’s get a waiter. Here comes one. (Tries as he goes by.)   Uh… may we have a—  Uh… Oh, well here’s another one.  Waiter, are you the - uh— Hmm.  Well, I’ll get this one.
    RUDOLPH.  I’ll lay three to one.
    LIZ.  (Determined.) Waiter, if you don’t mind we’d like…some…uh—
    RUDOLPH.  Reminds me of an inscription I once saw on a waiter’s tombstone. It said, “St. Peter finally caught his eye.”
    LIZ.  Well, here’s a waiter I won’t miss.  Waiter!
    WAITER.  Yes?
    LIZ.  We’d like some menus.
    WAITER.  Well, let go of my tails and I’ll get you some!  (Fading.)    I’ll be right back.
    LIZ.  Oh look, some people are leaving that table by the window.  If we move over there we can have a view while we’re eating.
    GEORGE.  Remember what I told you, Liz. This table is fine.
    LIZ.  Oh come on, George.  You’d like to move, wouldn’t you, Iris?
    IRIS.  (Doesn’t really.) Well, I—
    LIZ.  You’d like to, wouldn’t you, Mr. Atterbury?
    RUDOLPH.              (Same.) Well, I—
    LIZ.  See, George, it’s three to one.
    GEORGE.  But our stuff is already here—
    LIZ.  Well, we’ll take it with us —Iris, you carry the butter plates - Mr. Atterbury, the napkins, George, here, you take the water glasses and I’ll carry the silverware.  Hurry up!  Someone else is heading for it!
    SOUND.  (Footsteps, jingle of silver and glassware.)
    LIZ.  Good, we beat them!  Everybody pass the things around, now.
    RUDOLPH.  Here’s a plate of water, Iris. Uh…hand me a glass of butter.
    LIZ.  Has everyone everything they need?
    GEORGE.  Yes. I have three knives.
    IRIS.  I beat you. I have a full house. Three forks and a pair of spoons.
    RUDOLPH.  You’d…uh – you’d better call the waiter.  He’s looking under the other table for us.
    WAITER.  (Off. Calls.) Olly olly oxen free!
    LIZ.  (Calls.) Oh, waiter! Waiter dear! Here we are.
    WAITER.   (Fading in.) Oh, there you are.
    LIZ.  Yeah, we’ll order over here.
    WAITER.  Sorry, this isn’t my table.
    LIZ.  Oh come on. Wait on us.
    WAITER.  All right. Here’s the menus.
    LIZ.  Let’s see.  Everything looks so good.  I’ll have the—ummmmmmm a ummmmmmm a—
    WAITER.  Sorry, we’re all out of Ummmmmm a.
    LIZ.  Very amusing.  I’ll have the roast beef.
    WAITER.  One roast beef.
    GEORGE.  What would you like, Iris?
    IRIS.  I think I’ll try the lamb chops.
    WAITER.  One lamb chops.
    RUDOLPH.  George, what looks good to you?
    LIZ.  Lamb chops? Oh that sounds good. They’re not fattening either.  Waiter, change mine to lamb chops, please.
    WAITER.  Yes, Ma’am.  Two lamb chops.
    LIZ.  That’s two for each of us.
    WAITER.  Yes, Ma’am.
    LIZ.  And I don’t want too much fat on ‘em but I’d like them thick.
    WAITER.  Would you like me to trot the lamb by?  You can pick out the chops you want.
    LIZ.  (Huffy.) Well!
    GEORGE.  Liz, don’t make a scene.
    RUDOLPH.  Well, go ahead, George. You order.
    GEORGE.  I’d like the sirloin steak.
    WAITER.  Yes, sir, one sirloin steak.  How would you like it?
    GEORGE.  Rare—and thick and juicy.
    WAITER.  Right—and you, sir?
    RUDOLPH.  Well, I think I’ll have a nice—
    LIZ.  (Sweetly.) Gee, George, you made the steak sound so tasty and-
    WAITER.  (Interrupting.) How would you like it, Madam, well,