Free Bill, The Galactic Hero 6 - on the Planet Of The Hippies From Hell by Harry Harrison Page A

things.
    “I don't know. Let's find out.” Elliot strode over to a hunk manfully gulping Evian water, dabbing at a sweating forehead between sets. “A question, sir. Is there still a war going on with the Chingers?”
    “Chingers,” said the man with a definite Austrian accent. “Oh! Ja, ja. I remember them from my school lessons. Ja! Dey vere viped out like the wermin dey vere. A hundert years ago!”
    “Well,” said Bill, “that's good news anyway.”
    “Ja, unt dat vas by der Fourth Reich, too. Sieg heil!” said the Austrian, saluting a picture of a man with a very tiny mustache on the wall. “Der Glorious Fourth Reich, who also abolished alcohol unt tobacco. Und put der barbell on the map of history.”
    “No more alcohol!” wailed Bill, dumbstruck. His personal universe had just ended.
    “This calls for radical action,” said Elliot. He pulled out an ID badge. “My name is Elliot Methadrine and I'm with the Interdimensional Time Crime Enforcement.”
    “The Time Cops!” said Uncle Nancy, clearly impressed. "Hey, you guys used to stop in all the time for free drinks and bribes.
    “I thought you were with the GBI,” said Bill.
    “No need for that cover now, Bill,” said Elliot, suddenly all business. “I was following a lead but it has just gone south. Too late to stop it now.” He turned back to the bodybuilder. “I need to requisition street clothing and weapons.”
    “Ja. Sure,” said the muscle-bound fellow. “Vee got dat real love for der Police. Vee respect der Authority on Barbellworld. It vas der vish of our founder, St. Arnold, that ve be good, clean, reverent, sadistic muscle pumpers!”
    “Fine, fine,” said Elliot. “Uncle Nancy — how does the Time/Space Plumbing work? Clearly the hairy guy did something in there. Where are the guts, the controls to the thing?”
    “Well, hell if I know,” said Uncle Nancy, his big beefy face growing red. “I'm not a Time Sanitation Plumber. We use Chronos Sewage ourselves, and they take forever to get out here. We'll just have to go take a look, won't we?”
    “Come on, Bill,” said Elliot Methadrine. “Let's get a change of clothes and then go have a look.”
    Bill grimaced and shook his head woefully.
    Talk about things going down the tubes!

CHAPTER 7
    Uncle Nancy showed Bill and Elliot to the bathroom.
    “Revolting! Just look how this thing has changed!” groused the bartender, gazing around in horror at the colorful tile, the new light fixtures, the bidets, the vitamin and cologne vending machines. “Used to be just a trough and a thundermug. Oh yeah — and a rubber dispenser that was always broken or empty. Real homey and friendly with lots of grafitti. And I mean graphic grafitti.”
    Bill, a little woozy, looked at the three bright white porcelain urinals. “Gotta go,” he mumbled.
    “Not there, you idiot!” said Elliot. “Didn't you hear the man? That's the Time Vortex!”
    Bill blinked. Funny, looked like a urinal to him. True, an unusually fancy, unusually clean urinal. “Sorry — I guess I can wait....”
    The bartender and Bill stared, transfixed, as Elliot reached out a tremulous hand, touched the handle on the urinal, sucked in a deep breath — and flushed.
    The results were far more dramatic than usual. It even beat the cheap vacuum potties on quickly assembled starships where chances were you finished your trip with a high squeaky voice.
    “Wow!” Bill susurrated.
    “Absolutely,” Elliot agreed. From somewhere, a small device with knobs and switches and an oscilloscope had appeared in his hands. “According to my Time Ticker — all we Time Police are equipped with these things — what we have here is a crack in Time far larger than anticipated. Yes — I can see how it was possible for that weirdo hippie to jump back through time and wreak havoc. This aperture you could fit an elephant through!”
    Bill stepped back two paces and grabbed hold of the door latch of the bathroom stall for security. He felt