Free Notes From the Underwire: Adventures From My Awkward and Lovely Life by Quinn Cummings Page A

After five minutes or so, I checked my cell phone. Ihad been disconnected. I redialed 911 and again I didn’t press 1. But this time, being familiar with the subtleties of the 911 hold signal, I kept an eye on the readout. Almost instantly, I had been disconnected again. Apparently, admitting you weren’t trying to remove an icepick from your own sternum meant the 911 system kind of wanted you to go away.
    I called 911 again. This time, I pressed 1.
    I waited.
    I waited.
    I waited. The silence was piercing. On 911, no one thanks you for your patience or lets you know that you’ll be taken in the order received. No one ever even hinted our call might be monitored for quality assurance. I guess when your life is unpleasant enough to require a call to 911, you just want to take it for granted that everyone knows what they’re doing.
    I checked the phone; I was still technically on hold, which was something like an improvement from before. For fun, I checked my watch; I had walked in the ballet studio twenty-five minutes ago. All I wanted to do was run away, but of course I couldn’t, because no one else seemed to know this stupid door was open, and there was still a chance that some innocent ballerina was being defiled with a leg warmer, and would no one pick up my emergency call ?
    It was at that moment that I saw a police car head down the street. Finally, a good guy with a gun! I raced after the police car, yelling like some sort of deranged do-gooder, spilling tea all over myself, saturating the one flier I had left, and managing somehow to disconnect myself from 911.
    Of course, the police car sailed on, and disappeared. But at least I had a new piece of information. The police car had thename of a nearby city. Mayberry’s peace and stability were the responsibility of an adjacent municipality. All it took was one call to information, and I was connected to that city’s police department.
    And put on hold.
    I waited.
    I waited.
    I waited.
    I was disconnected.
    Of course, between holding the dregs of my tea, my cell phone, and the pulpy mass that was the last flier, I hadn’t actually written down the number so I had to call 411 again. They put me through.
    I waited.
    I waited.
    I…wait, I got someone!
    I gabbled in relief, “Hi, I’m standing on a street and I walked into a building, which shouldn’t be open but it was, and it was dark, and I think maybe someone didn’t lock it last night, or maybe there’s been a crime, and who wants to be the person in the first scene of Law & Order , right? Anyway…”
    “Where are you located, ma’am?”
    I told her.
    “That’s not our jurisdiction, ma’am.”
    I spluttered, “But I just saw one of your cars drive past here!”
    She waited that extra second, which lets the speaker know she’s said something stupid.
    “Ma’am, I can’t tell why the police car was there. Maybe they were going to lunch. It’s not our jurisdiction.”
    “Then whose jurisdiction is it?”
    She told me. I called. I was placed on hold. Ten minutes later a dispatcher got on the line.
    “Hi,” I said dully. “I’m in front of a building that is unlocked, and probably shouldn’t be. Could you please fix it?”
    She asked the address. I told her, and held my breath.
    “Can you wait for the police officer?”
    “Hell yes, I can wait!” I crowed happily.
    I had reached that magical stage in my helpfulness ritual where I slid so far into a secondary problem that I had completely forgotten the original task. As far as I could remember, I had been born on this corner waiting for someone to arrive and walk into a dark building. The police officer appeared a few minutes later. He was reassuringly big.
    I explained: Dark building…nobody inside…came right back out…called for help.
    “Yeah,” he said, matter-of-factly. “You don’t want to be the person who finds the body, like on Law & Order .”
    I swear, I heard angels singing.

And the Livin’ Is Easy
    I HAVE READ ABOUT EVERY