Free Your Coffin or Mine? by Kimberly Raye Page A

and Dolly.
    I, on the other hand, had my own fantabulous business far away from the printing and copying mecca. Therefore, I didn’t enjoy the hunt in any way, shape, or form.
    Still, I dragged myself to Connecticut every week. I was already the ungrateful, irresponsible daughter who refused to settle down and propagate the species with one of my mother’s numerous fix ups. I was not going to be the ungrateful, irresponsible daughter who pissed away four hundred years of tradition and refused to settled down and propagate the species with one of my mother’s numerous fix ups.
    “Fill me in.” Evie’s voice pushed into my thoughts. “Since when did we start matchmaking for your mother?”
    “Since last night.”
    “Is it another one of her friends?”
    “No, nobody from the country club.” Aka the Connecticut Huntress Club, an organization of born female vampires who met to interact and sip Bloody Marys (literally) and match up their unmatched children.
    “Thank heavens. Those were the pickiest women I’ve ever had the misfortune to meet.”
    If she only knew. But I wasn’t ready to declare my vampness to Evie just yet (if ever) for fear she’d freak and quit. She did a great job. Even more, she could spot a designer knockoff at fifty paces. And so I kept my fangs to myself and let her believe my mother and her friends were merely pompous aristocrats rather than pompous bloodsucking aristocrats.
    “So who is it?” she wanted to know. “Who are we doing this time?”
    “My brother Jack.”
    “But isn’t he already getting married?”
    “That’s why she wants me to match him up. She’s totally against the wedding.”
    “And you’re going to do it?”
    “I don’t have a choice.”
    “Yes, you do. Just tell her no. Tell her that what she’s asking of you is too much and you can’t do it.”
    “You know, you’re right.”
    “Of course, I am. Just bite the bullet and tell her. The fear of the unknown is much worse than the actual confrontation.”
    “I’m glad you said that. That’s exactly what I needed to hear.”
    “No problem. That’s what I’m here for—to help in any way I can. If you need someone to match up the biggest loser in the Bronx, I’m your girl. If you need someone to schmooze the landlord, consider it done.”
    “How about if I need someone to call and break the news to my mother?”
    “Is Jack a leg man or does he prefer a nice ass?”
    “I thought so. Wuss.”
    “What can I say? I have my own crazy mother to deal with.”
    “Any other messages?”
    “Two bill collectors and my cousin. He said something about you promising him a date?”
    “Not with me. We’re going to match him up.”
    “ My cousin? Good luck. You’re going to need it.”
    “He can’t be that bad.”
    “All I’m saying is that if you have a rabbit’s foot, I’d definitely pull it out for this one.”
    “He seemed nice in a pierced, tattooed, reject sort of way.”
    “He also tried to French kiss me last Christmas under the mistletoe.”
    I shrugged. “He’s desperate. You’re an attractive woman. Things happen.”
    “He tried to French Fergie last Christmas under the mistletoe.”
    “Another cousin?”
    “My great-great-uncle’s elderly girlfriend.”
    “He’s desperate. She was once an attractive woman. Things happen.”
    “When she didn’t go for it, he tried to French her great Dane, Oodles.”
    “Sounds like I might need more than just the rabbit’s foot.”
    “Exactly.”
    “That was a joke.”
    “If you say so.”
    “Anything else?” I rushed on, eager to kill the sudden visual, otherwise I would never look at Thumper in quite the same way. “Any calls from the opposite sex?”
    “A guy named John called. Said you had his number.”
    “Anyone else?”
    “No, Ty didn’t call.”
    “I didn’t say anything about Ty.”
    “You didn’t have to. Look, I know you like him. It’s obvious. Why don’t you stop waiting and just call him?”
    “It’s not that