Free Thank You for Smoking by Christopher Buckley Page B

lap.
    "Will you join me in a refreshment?" He did not wait for Nick's response. Nothing was said to the waiter, who merely nodded while another momentarily appeared with a tray with two silver cups beaded with condensation and overflowing with crushed ice and fresh sprigs of mint.
    "Mud," the Captain said. He sipped, closed his eyes, and let out a little ah.
    "Do you know the secret to a really good julep? Crush the mint down onto the ice with your thumb and grind it in. Releases the menthol." He chuckled softly. "Do you know who taught me that?" Nick did not, but he supposed some descendant of Robert E. Lee. "Ferdinand Marcos, president of the Philippines."
    Nick waited for elaboration; none came. Another prerogative of the really rich.
    "What year were you born, Mister Naylor?" Should he tell him, Call me Nick?
    "Nineteen fifty-two, sir."
    The Captain smiled and shook his head. "Nineteen fifty-two! Good Lord. Nineteen fifty-two." He took another sip of his julep, crunched down on a chunk of ice, bared his teeth, which were white. "I was in K orea shooting Chinese in ninete en-fifty-two."
    "Really," Nick said, unable to think what else to say.
    "Today, the Chinese are my best customers. There's the twentieth century for you."
    "Seventy percent of adult Chinese males smoke," Nick observed.
    "That is correct," the Captain said. "Next time we won't have to shoot so many of'em, will we?"
    He sat back in his chair, chuckling. "Will you join me in another?" Another tray appeared with more drinks. What was the protocol? Should Nick drain his first one? He did, spilling ice chunks onto his lap.
    "Nineteen fifty-two was a significant year for our business," the Captain continued. "Do you remember what Mr. Churchill said?" The Captain did a growly imitation: " 'It is not the end, or even the beginning of the end. But I believe that it may be the end of the beginning.' Nineteen fifty-two being of course the year the Reader's Digest published that article about the health . . . aspect." Tobacco executives avoided certain words, like "cancer." "That was, you might say, the end of our beginning."
    Lunch was served, much to Nick's relief as he was now woozy with mentholated bourbon. The Captain talked about what the new leadership in Korea meant for the industry. They began with chilled spiced shrimp and moved on to filet mignon and baked potatoes with globs of sour cream. The Captain told the maitre d' that he must never reveal to Mrs. Boykin what he had eaten or, he warned direly, "she'll skin both of us alive." Rich men delight in displaying an exaggerated fear of their wives. They think it humanizes them.
    "Yes sir, Captain!" the waiter said, enjoying his part in the conspiracy of silence.
    "May I?" Nick said, taking out his pack when the plates were cleared.
    "Please, thank you. I'm always so grateful when members of the younger generation smoke." He seemed wistful. "I would join you, but since my recent . . . experience Mrs. Boykin has become quite vehement on the subject, so I will forgo and forbear, for the sake of domestic tranquillity. My eldest daughter asked me the other day what, at my age, I enjoy, and I told her, 'Voting Republican and being left alone by your mother.' "
    Coffee was served. Other club members stopped by their table to pay court to the Captain, who graciously introduced Nick to them.
    "The Nick Naylor?" one said, grasping Nick's hand. "Well, I am pleased to meet you, sir. Fine job, fine job!" They made quite a fuss over him. It was all very gratifying. Yes, indeed, this was most pleasant. Nick could see living in Winston-Salem, lunching at the Tobacco Club, not having to apologize or justify his existence all the time. "Tobacco takes care of its own," went the saying. Yes it did, it certainly did.
    "I'd say you've made a splendid impression, Nick," the Captain glowed as the last of Nick's admirers had receded. "May I call you Nick? I do not usually engage in diminutives, but in this case I would like to. You