Free Your Next-Door Neighbor Is a Dragon by Zack Parsons Page A

available at the deep end of a Google search.
    Among hypochondriacs on the Internet there is a singular ailment that seems to be self-diagnosed more frequently than any other. It afflicts millions who had lived their lives knowing they were different, knowing they were special, but not fully understanding why. It is a self-diagnosis so insufferably egotistical that you might feel yourself hating someone for claiming the illness.
    And yet, when you read the symptoms, you might just realize you too are suffering from… Self-Diagnosed Asperger’s Syndrome!
    To date, Asperger’s syndrome is the only illness confirmed to be contagious through the transmission of HTML.
    According to the Nemours Foundation’s primer on autism for parents, “Asperger’s syndrome (AS) is a neurobiological disorder that is part of a group of conditions called autism spectrum disorders. ” It is a form of high-functioning autism that in many cases allows the sufferer to operate in and interact with the world around them on a fairly normal level. It is a real illness that can be crushing for individuals and parents.
    It is also fast becoming the antisocial nerd’s number one scapegoat.
    For many Internet users Asperger’s syndrome (pronounced “ass-burgers”) has become almost synonymous with “asshole.” It could be that the telltale symptom of the autism-like disorder is a lack of empathy, which would make someone with Asperger’s syndrome seem an awful lot like an asshole. Then again, it could be that approximately 500,000 assholes have self-diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome on the Internet.
    These “Internet Aspies” wear the unofficial diagnosis like a badge that absolves them of any responsibility for bad behavior. This diagnosis excuses their strange obsessions and hostile outbursts. It is validation of their lives as unique and beautiful dorks and it pre-exonerates them for any stupid or disgusting behavior they might exhibit.
    Tell your mom to fuck off? Asperger’s caused it! Refuse to do anything other than play video games, eat pizzas, and go to the bathroom for a solid month? Asperger’s! Spend more than 25 percent of your income on Legos when you live in a trailer? Asperger’s!
    A careful look at the list of symptoms related to Asperger’s can demonstrate why antisocial nerds turn to the syndrome as their favorite “get out of responsibility free” card.
    The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders , or DSM–IV, lists the following six criteria for diagnosing Asperger’s:
 
Qualitative impairment in social interaction
Restricted, repetitive, and stereotyped behaviors and interests
Significant impairment in important areas of functioning
No significant delay in language development
No significant delay in cognitive development, self-help skills, or adaptive behaviors (other than social interaction)
Criteria are not met for a specific pervasive developmental disorder or schizophrenia
     
    It might seem like the diagnosis of a normal mental disorder at first glance, but let’s pause to consider how each of those criteria might manifest outside the austere pages of the DSM–IV. Let’s throw out all that technical terminology and boil each down to its essence. Allow me to rewrite them as, say, an adult child really into Legos and Linux might see the list.
 
I’m not going to prom because I want to level my gnome.
I draw Sonic the Hedgehog with breasts and dicks for nipples.
I don’t know how to do my own laundry.
I type at sixty-five words per minute.
I took an online IQ test and I am 5 points below Einstein and also Charmander is my PokePersonality.
I only threaten suicide when I want something worth over $100.
     
    “Ah!” you might exclaim as you read the revised list. “Why, I have trouble getting along with people and have never had a girlfriend! It must certainly be Asperger’s syndrome. I have unusual hobbies that might be considered ‘nerdy’ or ‘obsessive’ or ‘creepy’ and that