Free Anthology Complex by M.B. Julien Page B

is my mother as well, then maybe what
I'm hoping for subconsciously is that my mother is in a better place now. In a
peaceful place. Or maybe that I'm willing to switch places with her if she
isn't.
     
    Before my father died my mother committed suicide. I believe she killed
herself because she felt as if she was born in the wrong time period or the
wrong parallel universe. She didn't say it but I know she hated most of the
people she met. She hated them because she hated people in general, she hated human
tendencies and their lifestyles. Misanthropy.
     
    She hated the imbalance in the world, and she hated the people who
didn't care about it even more. Her hate grew so much that it eventually
consumed her and took away her life, literally and metaphorically.
     
    The one thing I could never understand was how she loved my father. How
can you hate so many people and find room in your heart for this one person.
Now my father wasn't a bad man, but he wasn't that great either. He didn't beat
my mother, not with his fists at least, but in a way he did hit her. He ignored
her, and he didn't care how obvious it was that his work was more important to
him than his wife and his family. Somehow she found the strength to stay with
him until she died.
     
    After she died, my father realized how much he ignored her. How
worthless he made her feel. His guilt turned into physical body complications
and then he eventually died. In a way they kind of killed each other, but only
in kind of a way.
     
    I remember when Maria thought I needed help, that I needed to go see a
psychiatrist or a therapist or something like that. I saw her point, my mind
was out there, so I decided to humor her and go see one.
     
    The problem with that was that the medication they were giving me was
messing with my memory, and in turn, I couldn't remember my dreams no matter
how hard I tried. For two months, it was as if I had no dreams. I couldn't live
like that. I wouldn't live like that.
     
    Chapter 19:
    THE MURDER DISEASE
     
    Few things are worse than the bad person who pretends to be good. The
person in charge of a charity fund who every once in a while steals from the
funds, the law enforcement officer who takes unusual advantage of his position
among civilians, the politician who sanctions the murder of thousands of people
for his own gain. These people make the common criminal who does not hide in
plain sight respectable.
     
    In a dream I had not too long ago I am sitting in a car waiting for
someone. Time goes by and then the passenger's door opens and my partner sits
down. He has food so we start to eat, and then after a while he asks me why I
do this.
     
    Later on in the dream I find out that we were sitting in a parked car
because we were waiting for this corrupt law enforcement officer to come home.
I tell my partner that I don't do these things so much because I love the
innocent, but because I hate the wicked. I tell him that there is more hate in
my heart than there is love.
     
    What makes a person more hateful than loving? Is there a mathematical
formula? Is it environmental influence? Is it simply biology? Maybe each person
at one point in their life is ultimately defined by a dominant emotion. Maybe
there is one emotion for each of us that will develop who we are. If at that
point you are always feeling angry, you will start to develop this angry
persona along with all the emotions and feelings that can be branched from it,
emotions like hatred and feelings like contemptment. This is you turning on
your anger gene, your hate gene.
     
    Or maybe at that point you are always feeling peaceful and you start to
develop this persona that is always patient and loving. This mind that turns on
the kindness gene, the love gene. This hatred that I feel asks for peace, for
balance in a world that seems to be run by evil people. Balance has become such
a large portion of my psychology that when I stub my toe, I have to stub the
other so that they both feel